Ambiguous Destiny
by sparagus
Summary: Jasper, young and rising author, has his ideal world turned upside down by the brooding and antisocial Edward. Edward, a miserable artist, has a past of secrets and pain. Can Jasper break down his walls? Will he want to? Eventual J/E Slash. Rated M.
1. Chapter 1 No Use

**A/N: This chapter and each chapter following will be from Jasper's POV only. If that changes, I'll let you know ;-)**

**Characters aren't mine, and this fic is rated a firm "M" for adult content.**

*~*~*

**Chapter 1: No Use**

**Historical sense and poetic sense should not, in the end, be contradictory, for if poetry is the little myth we make, history is the big myth we live, and in our living, constantly remake.  
~*Robert Penn Warren*~ **

Out of breath and dripping in sweat, I stepped through the door of the apartment after a long run and was greeted by the smell of sushi, rice and wine. Soft music played from the kitchen, and I smiled as I thought of her dancing on hardwood floor barefoot, probably wearing her apron that said "Kiss the Chef".

My stomach growled at the smells wafting from the kitchen, and though I knew I should shower before sitting down to dinner, my feet tactlessly ambled toward the promise of mouth-watering cuisine. I loved the nights that it wasn't my turn to cook; she was so much better at it than I.

Bella's back was to me when I walked through the archway between the kitchen and hallway of our old San Francisco apartment; she was chopping the last of the onions. A delicate, pink sweater and flowing knee-length white skirt clung to her curves, and I smiled at the bare, perfectly pedicured feet. Her hair was up, and she looked stunning.

"Big date, tonight?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest and smiling and leaning against the curve of the archway as her head popped up and eyes met mine.

She grinned. "In a manner of speaking."

Bella and I had moved in together during grad school. We'd both attended the Art Institute of San Francisco, and we'd been lucky enough to find an apartment to sublet for a steal downtown. The little apartment had been perfect for us then, and six years later as we settled into our careers and our adult lives, it was still perfect.

I nodded with a smile. "If you don't need any help, I think I'll go take a quick shower."

"Please. I cannot have you in my kitchen all smelly and sweaty, Jay." Her face was stern, but her twinkling brown eyes gave her away.

I winked. "I know, darlin'. Give me ten minutes."

I left her singing along with Daughtry as I went down the hall to our bathroom to shower. Our apartment was as old as the rebuilding of the city in 1909. When we'd first moved in, everything about it - its history and the secrets it held within its walls - had intrigued me; it continued to intrigue me even after having lived there for nearly a decade. The small and charming little nook had quickly become a home.

After a quick shower, I wrapped a towel around my waist and darted into the bedroom to dress for dinner. With my blond curls still wet, I hastily threw on a pair of dark-wash jeans and a light blue shirt that Bella always said brought out my eyes.

I heard the buzz of the door and hastened to the intercom in the living room.

"Yeah?"

"Hey Jas. It's Emmett."

"Hey Em, come on up," I replied.

I unlocked the door and headed back to the kitchen. Bella was setting the table and pouring the wine. She looked up at me and smiled her beautiful smile.

"Good run?"

I couldn't help but grin back at her when she smiled like that. "Yeah, it was great. You'll have to come with me next time."

She nodded. "Tomorrow morning?"

"Yeah. We could go across town and have a beach run. We haven't done that for awhile," I said with a wink.

Her eyes widened with her alluring smile. "Yes! That'd be great."

Bella and I often spent our Saturdays together. Sometimes we ran, sometimes we hiked, sometimes we stayed home and watched old movies, but it was our day together. Sometimes our friends joined us, and sometimes not, but very rarely did we spend that day apart.

I kissed her cheek. "Emmett is here."

She smiled, her cheeks flushing a nice shade of pink. She turned, and the hesitation in her eyes made me frown.

"What?"

"Don't be mad, Jay..."

I narrowed my eyes. "What did you do?"

"Well...Emmett and I were talking...and...well, he has a brother. And we thought maybe it'd be a good idea if he brought him along tonight."

I inhaled sharply and rolled my eyes. "Bella, I really don't need you to play matchmaker all of the time, you know? I'm happy with my life. After all of these years, you still don't seem to understand that I don't need a significant other to be content."

She bit her lip in the way that she did when she was nervous.

"I just...I want you to be happy."

My heart softened a little with her words and expression. I knew she always meant well with these "chance" meetings and introductions. I wrapped my arm around her in a hug, kissing the top of her head.

"I know you do, Bella. But I _am_ happy. I have the job of my dreams, the very best friend and roommate a guy could ask for. I don't need your matchmaking skills as much as you think I do," I finished softly with a wink.

I was relieved when she smiled.

Our moment was interrupted by a loud and obnoxious knock, a familiar signature of Emmett's arrival.

"Please be nice to him, Jay. Emmett said he's kind of...well, he's not..."

I frowned, already dreading the evening seeing her struggle to explain this mystery man. It was going to be a disaster.

"He's just not very social, Jay. Be gentle."

I snorted at her terminology with a raised eyebrow, and she hit my arm.

"Pervert," she said under her breath as she pushed past me to open the door.

I grinned, following close behind.

"There's my baby," Emmett, with the stature of a giant, picked up my best friend in his arms, twirling her around as she giggled.

I couldn't help but smile. He really was good for her, and she was just as good for him. I watched for a moment as he whispered in her ear an endearment that brought to her cheeks a flush of joy. He made her happy, and he treated her the way that she deserved; I couldn't have handpicked a better man for her.

When they finally separated Emmett's blue eyes locked onto mine and he clapped my shoulder. "Hey Jasper."

"Hey Emmett, come on in."

Bella and I stepped out of the doorway and Emmett walked in, followed by who I assumed to be his brother. I took a moment to covertly study him as Emmett made introductions. He was just an inch or two taller than my six foot frame, and I'd never seen an odder shade of hair. It was a strange mix of copper and bronze and blonde, and I couldn't help but wonder if that was natural or if he'd paid a ridiculous amount to get those colorful swirls. My eyes swept down, studying his own as he looked at Bella and shook her hand. His eyes were fiercely green.

"Bella, Emmett has told me so much about you. Nice to finally meet you in person," he said, his voice smooth and soft, if not a little melancholy.

I'd missed his name while lost in my study of this beautiful man in front of me. I shook my head as Emmett turned his brother toward me.

"This is Bella's best friend, Jasper. Jasper, my little brother, Edward."

Edward.

He reached out his hand to shake mine and our eyes met. His were not only fiercely green, but some kind of jade pool of rich minerals. I tried to remember how to breathe – how to move my hand to shake his.

I finally managed a smile, shaking off the Edward-induced sex haze clouding my mind.

"Edward. Nice to meet you."

Edward's eyes flickered with something I couldn't identify before he nodded. "Jasper. Good to meet you."

We all stood awkwardly in the doorway for a moment before Bella and I remembered our manners and the mouth-watering dinner that she had created for us.

"Please come in. Dinner is ready and the wine is poured," Bella said with a nervous laugh.

I glanced over at her with a quirked eyebrow, curious about her uncharacteristic nervousness. Nothing scared this girl. I truly hoped that she hadn't had high hopes of me hitting it off with Emmett's broody brother. He was beautiful; I would give her that, but so far, his personality left a lot to be desired. He hadn't smiled once since stepping across the threshold.

We sat around the oak table in the dining room; Bella sat on one side of me, Edward on the other. She and Emmett and I fell into an easy, comfortable conversation as we so often did. Edward's gaze remained focused on either his plate or his wine glass; he didn't speak.

"So Edward," I said, trying to play good host – if for nothing else than to make Emmett and Bella feel as if they hadn't completely wasted their efforts. "What is it that you do?"

Edward's eyes met mine in surprise. I watched, fascinated, as he set down his fork, wiped his plump, sultry pink lips with a napkin, and cleared his throat. "I paint."

I glanced at Emmett for some help. Edward hadn't given me much to work with before glancing back down at his plate. I was struck by the odd behavior.

Emmett glanced from me to Edward. "Edward has several pieces on display right now in the Fine Arts Museum. He's also just been featured in The Chronicle."

I glanced at Edward again. When his gaze met mine, I smiled, and was only slightly unnerved when he didn't return it but glanced at Emmett. "The Chronicle wasn't really a big deal," he mumbled.

Emmett smiled ruefully, glancing at me again. "Edward's modest about his work."

I smiled, looking to Bella, who, oddly enough, was fidgeting. What was with her tonight? I gave her the 'what is your problem?' look, and she smiled her 'I'm really uncomfortable and regretting this' smile.

"So how long have you been painting?" I asked, trying to keep him in the conversation.

"Since I can remember," he said quietly, once more meeting my gaze before flitting his eyes back to his plate.

Something within me jolted at that look. Something dark and sad lingered beneath the short answers and the way that he closed himself off. I ventured another smile, and he looked away.

I inhaled slowly. "You must really enjoy it," I said, though I knew I'd lost him.

He simply nodded, and took another bite of his fish. I glanced at Bella.

"Haven't had a chance to ask you how your day was," I said to her, smiling at the enormous relief I felt to be talking to a friendly face.

She smiled apologetically, and as we shared an actual verbal conversation, we also shared an unspoken one, as we so often did.

"It was great," she said after a swig of wine. "Our head chef gave me a great performance review today, and I have a meeting with her and the owner next week about becoming a co-head chef."

I smiled at the grin of pride that she was trying to keep under control in an effort of modesty. "That's great, B. I'm proud of you."

Emmett smiled brightly. "I'm not at all surprised, babe. Edward, this woman can cook like you wouldn't believe. Tonight's dinner is just the tip of the iceberg, man."

Edward glanced at Bella and nodded. "The sushi is very good."

She smiled. "Thank you, guys." She glanced back at me. "So it was a good day."

I nodded and returned her smile with a wink.

The conversation lulled, and we all became a little awkward for a few terrifyingly long moments. Finally, Bella stood.

"I hope everyone likes tiramisu," she said with a wink, knowing full well that at least two of the three men at the table loved her tiramisu.

We all mumbled our anticipation as she gracefully and purposefully walked back to the kitchen. "Jasper, can you help me, please?"

I glanced up at her in relief. "Of course."

Once we were safely in the other room, she grabbed my arm. "I am so sorry, Jay. I...I thought Emmett was exaggerating about Edward's awkwardness."

I chuckled, kissing her forehead. "Don't worry about it, darlin'. Your heart was in the right place – it always is."

She smiled. "You were right about the matchmaking. From now on, I promise I will leave your romantic life up to you."

I grinned. "Thank you. Now, shall we serve our desert and get this evening over with?"

She giggled softly. "Yes. Let's."

Her tiramisu, as always, was a huge hit. Emmett had two very large pieces; I made myself stop after one, though it took considerable willpower not to have another, and Edward....Edward hardly ate his.

Bella started clearing the table, and as I started to stand to help her, Emmett jumped up.

"Let me help you with the dishes, babe."

_Thanks, Emmett._

Bella gave me a small smile, and I sighed, standing the rest of the way and dreading the next part of the evening. Even more so, I dreaded being alone with Edward trying to force conversation with a man that refused to speak more than five words at a time.

"Edward, would you like to come to the living room?"

He didn't answer, but stood, following me into the small living room, decorated with modern flare that was a strange and cozy mix of Bella and me. Edward and I sat on the ivory leather couch, and I turned slightly to face him.

"I haven't been to The Fine Arts Museum for about a year. I will have to go check out your work," I said, feeling completely awkward.

"It's not a big deal," he finally said in a quiet voice. "Emmett exaggerates everything."

"Apparently not everything," I murmured under my breath.

Edward looked at me curiously, the most expression he'd shown all evening. I smiled a little.

"I'm a writer," I offered, since he hadn't bothered to ask.

"I know."

I studied him for a moment, surprised when he kept eye contact with me. I quirked an eyebrow, willing him to continue. Had Emmett already given him the scoop?

"I..." he said, his perfectly sculpted eyebrows meeting in a frown above his nose as he swallowed. "I've read your work."

I felt both eyebrows lift before I could control the reaction. "Oh?"

A ghost of a smile danced at the corner of his lips as his eyes met mine again and he nodded. "Fascinating work. You have a brilliant mind."

I was at a loss for words...not only had this silent and sullen man just smiled at me, but how does one respond to a near-stranger telling you in such a matter-of-fact way that you had a brilliant mind? I smiled at the strangeness of it all.

"Um..thanks. What pieces have you read?"

"All of them," he mumbled.

My heart rate sped as I was beginning to realize the Edward I'd seen all night might not be the real Edward. I couldn't keep myself from wondering if anyone actually _knew_ the real Edward.

"So you must have an interest in history then?"

He smiled. It was such a simple human action, but on his face that had been so serious and obviously awkward all evening, I was stunned into a silent stupor. That smile transformed his entire face.

"Yeah, I guess you could say that. I..." Embarrassment filled his features and he looked away.

I waited silently, hoping he would continue.

"My first featured paintings were inspired by your work."

"What?" I breathed out, filled with shock and awe and intrigue. After a few heartbeats to recover from this shock, I added: "You...really?"

His eyes met mine once more and my stomach flipped. "Yes."

And then the moment was over. He looked away, and I could almost physically see the walls rising between him and me. He did not look at me again, and a moment later, Bella and Emmett joined us. Edward looked as if someone was torturing him, and I was left completely befuddled as to how to react to all that had taken place in the last ten minutes.

I couldn't understand my own fascination with him; I wanted to know more about this strange man. His odd and unpleasant countenance was meant to keep people away, yet I was intrigued that it had just the opposite response within me. It called to me in such a strange way, and I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

Shaking off the odd feeling, I dove into the conversation with Bella and Emmett.

The two had been dating for a little over a year, and while they had been physically hot and heavy since the beginning of their relationship, they had taken everything else very slow. Bella was independent, and Emmett was carefree. They were exclusive, but as far as I knew, no talks of major commitment had even been broached yet.

Selfishly, I was glad for that. Bella was the most important person in my life. She always had been, and though I knew we couldn't live together forever, that one day she would want to get married and have a family, I hoped that the day was far into the future. It was a change in our lives that I loathed to think about – that most often times I refused to think about.

"How did you and Jasper meet?" Edward asked Bella abruptly.

The three of us had been laughing at a joke that Emmett told, and the laughter immediately screeched to a halt with his blunt question.

Bella smiled at him, getting that far away look in her eye – it was the look she always got when someone asked either of us that question. "Jay and I have been best friends since the second grade. Some sixth grade boy was picking on me, and Jay kicked his ass. I helped. We were in detention together for a week. We've been inseparable ever since," she said proudly, grabbing my hand with a wink.

"How does that work? I mean..." Edward glanced at Emmett. "How does that work?

"What do you mean, bro?"

"Doesn't that make you feel weird?" Edward asked Emmett, and it was obvious that he was much more comfortable addressing Emmett than anyone else in the room.

Emmett frowned. "Of course not. Why should it?"

"They're obviously closer than you and Bella are. Probably always will be with a history like that."

"Edward –" Emmett started, and even I could hear the warning in his voice.

My pulse quickened, and I couldn't be sure if it was because of anger or absolute shock at the audacity of his impolite questioning.

"No, I mean, I imagine that if I had a beautiful girlfriend and she lived with a man with whom she was extremely close, had grown up with, and obviously felt a connection to, I think that would probably bother me. Make me question the circumstances, and whether they're entirely honest with you about things."

My breathing sped and I stood up. "Now, just a minute –"

"Jay," Bella interrupted quietly, grabbing my hand and pulling me back down to my seat shaking her head.

She turned to Edward. "That was out of line, Edward."

"Yeah?" he responded, meeting the challenge in her tone. "So is pretending you're interested in men when you're clearly in love with your female roommate."

His glare turned from Bella to me.

I was boiling, and I met Emmett's gaze. He was angry, too. "Edward."

Edward glanced at Emmett and backed down slightly. "Whatever. Forget about it," he huffed angrily, and I watched, mostly furious but slightly fascinated as he stood in one sweeping motion and stormed out of the room.

Emmett sighed. "I'm sorry, you guys. I..." then he growled. "I don't know what the fuck his problem is."

I glanced at Bella. She had tears in her eyes as she wrapped her arms around Emmett.

"Maybe I should take him home."

Bella nodded. "I think that'd be a good idea."

"Now," I growled.

Emmett looked at me. "I'm sorry, Jasper."

I nodded, willing myself to calm. "It's not your fault, Emmett, but please, don't bring him back here ever again."

Emmett hesitated. "Jasper...Edward is...he's gone through some things, and he hides behind his behavior. He doesn't let people in."

I couldn't understand why he was telling me this, and I glanced at Bella, who looked sadly between the two of us.

"Emmett," she said softly. "I'll call you later."

It was her quiet, but unmistakable request for him to leave and to take his brother with him.

He held my gaze for another long moment before handing me a piece of folded paper, which I angrily took from him, and without giving it a glance, I tossed on the coffee table.

"I'm sorry again, Jasper."

I nodded sharply. He looked at me then the crumpled paper, as if he wanted to explain it, but then thought better of things; he kissed Bella before walking out of the room. A moment later we heard the front door open and close again, and I turned to her. Tears pooled in her eyes.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, hugging me tightly.

"Hey," I said against her hair. "Don't. We know each other better than a bitter and socially inept asshole, right? I do love you, Bella, and if things were different...if I could..."

"Shh," she said, squeezing me tightly to her. "I know. I know. I love you, too, Jay, but I've always known we would never be that," she whispered.

We'd talked about the most personal of things; our sex lives, our love lives, our families and our innermost secrets, but before this night, before the obnoxious Edward had entered our lives, we had never had this conversation aloud.

I nodded, holding her tightly. "Are you okay?"

She nodded against my chest, her wet tears soaking through my shirt. "Are you?"

I smiled, though she couldn't see it. "Of course."

"I'm going to bed," she sighed.

"Okay. Sweet dreams, darlin'."

She pulled away and smiled, and I wiped her wet cheeks with my thumb. "Love you," I said quietly.

She grinned, leaning into my hand. "Love you."

She slipped from the room, down the hall and into her bedroom, shutting the door quietly behind her.

I sighed.

I paced.

I finally settled onto the couch, adjusting my reading glasses as I grabbed a newly released book on the Civil War from the coffee table, but I couldn't concentrate on it.

My mind wandered over the events of the evening. I wasn't naïve enough to deny that it took a special person to be with either Bella or me and be okay with our unique and rare type of relationship. It required our significant others to have a great deal of not only self-confidence but also trust and understanding.

Typically it was Bella who had the harder time with her relationships when it came to me being in the picture. Most men that she had dated couldn't accept that I was who I said I was, that Bella's relationship to me was as innocent as it truly was. I resented the hell out of those men, the ones who would accuse her of lying to them on my account.

I had things a little easier. Romantic relationships had never been something I'd actively sought out. I was okay with one-night hook-ups or longer arrangements that didn't necessarily tie me down to any kind of commitment or solidarity with another. It wasn't that I was scared of commitment, per say, it was more that I had never met anyone that I was willing to take the next step with, and that fact didn't bother me. If it happened, it happened. I would not be relentlessly searching for it.

Our problems rested in the fact that Bella and I were closer than most married couples could boast. We were friends and companions and had seen each other through the highest of the good times and the pits of the bad. We were cemented together in a way that neither she nor I could understand. We were perfect for one another in every way. Every way but one.

While I appreciated Bella's beauty – inside and out – there wasn't an ounce of attraction. I'd never in my life felt drawn toward female curves, soft contours or pretty smiles. I would be lying to say that I hadn't resented the hell out myself for it at times. Sometimes I couldn't help but let my mind explore a fantasy in which I couldn't resist Bella's body, just as in reality I couldn't resist her mind, her personality and her soul. But it was no use. No matter how much I wished I could will my soul to want something different, it would not change the inner workings of me that could not be changed. We both knew and understood that, and yet, we could not sever all of the ways that we _were_ connected.

I did love Bella.

I sighed, throwing the book on the couch and standing once more. My eyes lingered on the crumbled paper on the table in front of me, and I thought of Edward.

Edward. Him, I _was_ attracted to. Or had been. Until he opened his mouth. His comments this evening had made me angry more because of Bella than myself. He'd hurt her feelings, and that was never something I took lightly.

With a sigh of frustration, I grabbed at the yellow paper and unfolded it to reveal a number. It was just a number. No words. No explanations. Just a ten digit number.

_What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?_

I liked Emmett. I trusted him, and I respected him for the understanding he showed about Bella and I. As mentioned before, decent guys who could do so were few and far between. Even more rare were the guys actually worth her time.

With these thoughts in mind, I pulled out my cell and dialed the numbers, anxiety dancing inside my stomach as it rang.

"Hi Jasper."

The voice startled me.

"Emmett?"

"Hey, I'm glad you called. Is Bella near you?"

"No. She's in bed," I responded quietly.

"Good. I wanted to talk to you about some things."

I sat slowly, feeling an overwhelming sense of foreboding. It was the feeling you get during the calm before a monstrous, destructive storm; the feeling that was sheer instinct with no logic or evidence to back it up.

"Okay," I finally said, even less assured.

"Edward and I are brothers, which you already know. Actually, we're half brothers."

He paused for what seemed like some significant purpose while I waited quietly, feeling my stomach turn and not understanding why.

"My mom had left my dad when I was little. It wasn't long before she met Edward's dad and they married. She sent me away – to live with my dad about a year after she married Edward's dad. Edward was still a baby. Edward and I never really got a chance to know each other until after my mom finally left that asshole...we were raised differently, Jasper...and Edward...well...he had to deal with a lot of stuff before they left."

The tone of his voice made the hairs on my arms stand to attention. "What do you mean?"

"There are things I can't tell you, Jasper. Things that aren't mine to tell. I just...I like you, Jasper. I like you a lot. Bella trusts you with her life, and that, in turn, makes me trust you, too."

"Okay..." I said, my voice now dangerously close to a whisper. "So...why..." I cleared my throat. "Why did you want to talk to me then?"

"Will you call him?"

"Why me? He doesn't even like me, Emmett."

"Yes he does, Jasper. He likes you a lot, which is why he was such an asshole. He pushed you away so he could keep those walls up. I know you don't understand, but Edward needs you. I can't tell you why right now or how I know it's you he needs."

I sighed. "Why?"

"Jasper," he paused. "Will you call him?"

The night had turned into one of the most confusing, and quite frankly, frightening, nights of my life. "I really don't understand, but...if it's important to you, yes I will call him."

"I know you don't get it now...but you will. Thank you, Jasper. Got a pen? I'll give you his number."

I took down the number, and we ended the call. I couldn't move; I could barely breathe as I sat staring at the number I had written down. None of this made sense. I picked up the paper I'd scribbled on and headed to my room across the hall from Bella's. Her light was out and all was quiet, so I slipped into my own room, closed the door, and leaned against it for a long moment.

I sighed and put the paper on top of my dresser followed by my glasses. I dreaded the phone call I had just promised to make, and I couldn't understand the necessity for it. However, Emmett had asked, and I felt like I owed him at least that much.

I stripped from my clothing, pulling on a pair of flannel pajama pants and crawling into bed. My head swam with thoughts I couldn't fully form and a nagging feeling, unsettled and unsound. I fell into a restless sleep dreaming of Edward...Edward and a faceless, nameless monster of the past.

*~*~*

**A/N: Okay so if you haven't guessed already, this fic will be a slash. It's not going to be immediate and there will be lots of Bella, too (for all of us who harbor the fantasy of having a best friend like Jasper ;-) )I hope you enjoy :-)**

**Big thanks to the girls who I have started lovingly referring to as my fab four ;-) marabarella and NCChris for beta'ing and seriously keeping my words from sounding first grade. :-) Then to my girls Clurrabella and addictedtotwilight79 – my creativity consultants ;-)**

**Would love to hear what you think so far! :-)**


	2. Chapter 2 Death of Me

**Chapter 2: Death of Me**

"**Fate determines many things, no matter how hard we struggle."**

**~*Otto Weininger*~**

I typed away with the usual fury as I sat in the local coffee shop enjoying my daily caramel macchiato. After our rather disastrous dinner date on Friday night, Bella and I had managed to have a relatively calm and relaxed weekend. She and Emmett hadn't spoken since that night, which concerned me a bit, but I brushed it off, knowing that she would deal with it when she was ready. That's just how Bella was.

It was Tuesday afternoon, and I was easily ahead of schedule on my new book – my first novel. It'd taken several years to gather the courage, and for the first time, I was writing a work of fiction. It was new and different than the non-fiction research pieces I'd written, and I found myself drawn into the world of my characters and plot lines with a gusto I hadn't expected of myself. I found it a bit liberating.

Yet as I tried to write, my mind, as it often had in the last several days, sporadically wandered. Edward's phone number burned a hole in my wallet, but I hadn't been able to make myself dial the number to call him as I'd promised Emmett. I had no idea what his mysterious story was, but I had a feeling that once I involved myself, life as I knew it would change. I wasn't sure that I was ready for that.

My phone vibrated in my pocket, and I smiled when I realized who'd texted me.

_How's work? Coming home early and thought I'd make dinner. Preferences?_

I smiled.

_As much as I love your cooking, no. Let's go out. My treat._

I waited several minutes before she sent her reply.

_Deal. Fancy and dancing?_

_Of course, do you expect anything less?_

_Nope._

_See you in a few._

I smiled. I was glad for the chance for us to spend some time together tonight. I'd avoided talking to her about Edward, and I rarely avoided talking to Bella about anything. She knew that something was up, but in true Bella form, she'd given me my space to figure it out until I was ready to talk. I was sure I was ready now.

I needed her advice.

I saved my work and shut down my laptop before walking out into the warm spring air. I loved the city; I'd always loved living here. I'd lived in the area most of my life. My family had moved from Texas when I was five, and though I still had a small hint of southern drawl, I was a California boy, through and through.

I walked at a quick pace to our apartment, taking the stairs two at a time until I reached our fifth floor.

I could hear the music before I even reached the door and grinned. Bella's 'get-ready-for-a-night-out' music, compliments of Carly Simon, was what she called her 'girl-power' boost.

I dropped my keys on the stand by the door and walked to the bathroom where she was sweetly swaying in a stunning black dress as she curled her hair. I smiled at her. "Hey." 

"Hey yourself, big guy. Get a lot written today?"

I nodded. "I'm actually a couple of chapters ahead for my meeting with my editor next week."

She held out her fist, and I bumped it with mine. "I'm going to go change. Where do you want to eat?"

She thought for a moment and grinned. "Top of the Mark?"

I nodded in agreement. It was expensive and snooty and had an incredible view of the city, not to mention a piano on the dance floor. It was one of our favorite places to go, though we rarely went without a special occasion.

"Feeling all fancy tonight, are we?" I teased.

Bella giggled. "As a matter of fact, I am. You okay with that, Whitlock?"

"Uh oh," I breathed out. "You're already using the last name. It's going to be a long night."

She stuck her tongue out and I winked, leaving her to finish as I dressed in black slacks and a dark gray button down.

We met at the door, and I took her hand, kissing her knuckles. "You are beautiful, mon ami."

She scrunched her nose and smiled. "And you are dashing as always, monsieur."

The restaurant was at the top of an office building and all of the walls were glass, allowing a panoramic view of the surrounding city and the water of the bay. The lighting was low, glowing as softly as the flickers of the candles that burned faithfully at each table's center.

The dinner was delicious, if not a little pretentious, and after we'd finished eating, Bella and I danced the evening away to the warm notes of the piano. We'd taken dance lessons together several years ago just for the hell of it, and we both enjoyed putting them to use every now and again.

"I've had something on my mind, Bella, and...well, I need your input," I said, one arm wrapped around her waist and the other holding her hand.

Her brown eyes looked into mine with a sudden seriousness. "What's up?"

I inhaled slowly.

"Friday after you went to bed, I called Emmett. He asked me to call Edward."

"He did?" she said, her surprise echoed through every feature on her beautiful face. "Why? I thought it was pretty apparent that our little attempt was a disaster."

I nodded. "He...he alluded to the fact that Edward's gone through some things...he wouldn't tell me what, but seemed to think it was very important that I call. So I agreed."

"Really?"

Her eyes were wide, searching my own.

I nodded. "I haven't yet. I can't seem to will myself to do it. I can't explain it, but it feels like a huge deal...like it's not just a call to say 'hey you wanna go out sometime'."

She nodded back. "Yeah, I can see that. I have that feeling, too, honestly. But maybe it's not a bad thing, Jasper. I know that Emmett knows a side of his brother that no one else has seen...maybe the real Edward just needs some help out of his shell. If something truly awful happened in his past...maybe he just doesn't know how to be himself. I trust Emmett, Jay. I don't think he would ever suggest something that would hurt you – or Edward."

I smiled. "You're right, Bella. As always."

She rolled her eyes with a grin. "A fact I could have told you years ago."

"A fact you have never wasted an opportunity to point out to me," I countered with a wink.

She grinned, and we danced late into the evening, casualy conversing about more light-hearted subjects. By the time we stumbled through the apartment door, we were both slightly intoxicated and very much exhausted.

"Work tomorrow?" I asked with a yawn.

She smiled and nodded. "Yep. I'll be gone all day. You should call Edward."

"I will," I said quietly and kissed her cheek. "G'night, B."

"Night," she responded, as we parted to chase sleep in our separate rooms.

*~*~*

Golden Gate Park was relatively empty the next afternoon. People were at work or school, and the breeze off the ocean was just cool enough to require a warm jacket. It wasn't quite an ideal day for the park, making it difficult to pull myself away from the sun and solitude.

I was also being a fucking pansy.

I had been trying to work up the courage to call Edward, spending the last hour and a half walking the paths of the park, weaving in and out of trees, stopping to admire ponds, birds and flowers. I had punched his number into my phone three times without actually hitting send, and as I sat on a white bench in one of the flower gardens, I finally did it. I hit send.

"Hello?"

I cleared my throat, for some reason surprised that he actually answered.

"Edward? This is Jasper."

There was a long silence.

"Oh. How'd you get my number?"

_Well, hello to you, too, Edward._

I took a deep breath, whether to calm myself or to find courage, I wasn't sure. Probably both.

"Emmett gave it to me. Listen, I was wondering if you maybe wanted to go get a beer or something on Friday night?"

"What about your girlfriend?" he said, and I swear I could hear the sneer in his tone.

_Asshole._

I sighed. "I thought we covered this the other night."

He snorted. A full-out, ungraceful snort in my ear.

"If you say so."

"Look, if you don't want to, Edward, that's fine," I responded, trying to sound dignified but feeling rather humiliated at the whole ordeal. "I'm sorry to have bothered you."

I started to hang up when I heard his voice.

"Wait! Jasper?"

I should have ended the call, pretended not to hear him. What the fuck was I getting myself into and why did I care about his feelings so much? In spite of myself, I could not grasp - could not understand - the gravitational weight that I just couldn't seem to shake, even though warning bells were sounding in every part of my mind.

"Yeah?"

"Should I meet you there, or..."

I suppressed the sigh that was dying to break free. The universe silently, invisibly shifted as I spoke the words, "sure that would work fine."

We agreed on a time and a place for Friday evening before hanging up. My restlessness increased to the point that I could not sit amid the flowers and enjoy the solitude any longer. I jumped from the bench and began walking again as I pulled my phone out from my pocket.

_Friday night, _I typed to Bella.

_Glad you called, J. It will work out._

_Why do I feel so unsettled?_

There were several moments I stood staring at the phone, willing her to answer the question of the hour.

_Because change is brewing, J...unsettled is the definition of change._

As my eyes raked over her words, the pit that had been churning in my stomach gave a jerk, and I inhaled sharply.

Change.

I didn't want things to change; I hadn't asked for change. I was content to live my life as it was, and I didn't need anything else...especially not a troubled and difficult man. I sighed.

_Not ready for change._

_We'll handle it together like we handle everything else, J. Will be home in a few hours. Love you. -B_

_Love you, too._

*~*~*

By the time I reached the pub where I'd agreed to meet Edward that Friday evening, I was regretting the my decision and kicking myself for not just telling Emmett no when I had the chance. The evening air was cool, and as I opened the door to the bar, I was hit with the thick, warm air brewing within. My eyes automatically searched the darkened room for his familiar face.

I wasn't surprised to find Edward there already, sitting in a corner tucked away from the main hustle and bustle of the establishment. I inhaled deeply and made my way over to him. As I neared the table, his head darted up, as if he'd sensed my presence, and I smiled.

Though he didn't return the gesture, something flashed in his eyes as he stood.

"Jasper."

I smiled again; perhaps the smiles were an outlet for my nerves; perhaps something deep within me was genuinely happy to see him. I didn't want to analyze every move of the evening; I just wanted to focus on surviving it..

My eyes swept from his messy, colorful head of hair to his long-sleeved, dark green button down shirt and finally to the black jeans hugging his legs. He was a gorgeous collage of sex appeal and man. I again found myself suppressing the overwhelming need to sigh.

"Hi, Edward. I hope I didn't keep you waiting long?"

He shook his head, his eyes holding my gaze as we sat at the small round table. We were silent for a moment as the waitress promptly took the order for our first round of drinks.

"You didn't have to wait for me to get started," I said with another nervous smile.

His hands were clasped together on the tabletop, and he studied them for a long moment. With his attention diverted, I took the opportunity to do so as well. His hands were large, his fingers thin and long but possessing a visible strength – they were artist hands. Random areas of skin were tinted blue or red, paint that stained and left its mark on him even when he wasn't at his easel.

I glanced up to find his eyes on me, and for the first time in years, I blushed slightly. His eyes studied mine, and the silence was starting to magnify the tension in my tightly wound nerves. Something stirred in the air, something significant and unclassifiable. It was something that both overwhelmed me and scared the living hell out of me.

I cleared my throat, spitting out the first question my brain could wrap around.

"So, do you work from home, or do you have a studio...?" I asked, my mind still on his paint-colored hands in front of me.

His green eyes felt like lasers to my own vision, and my stomach lurched.

"Yes. I work from home."

I nodded, relieved when the waitress interrupted to place our drinks on the table. I waited until she walked away to continue my questions. My fingers nervously played against the glass of the mug.

"So do you have roommates?"

His eyes fell to his beer, and without answering, he lifted it to his lips. They were red and full, and I was surprised that my mind wandered to what they might feel like against my own.

Shaking the thought from my head, I glanced back up to his eyes, which again were on me.

"No."

I exhaled slowly. I'd never met a person with whom it was more difficult to carry on a conversation . My mouth opened to ask another question, hoping to find something that would encourage more than a snipped answer when he finally spoke.

"I'm glad you called. I..." he looked down at his hands again, but this time I couldn't bring myself to look away from his face as he mumbled his next sentence. "I wanted to apologize for the other night. I behaved rather rudely when you and Bella had been so gracious."

It was my turn for silence, and I accepted it as I watched him a moment longer, waiting for him to look at me before I responded. Finally, his gaze flickered from his drink to my face. His green eyes lured me in in such a way I had never experienced before.

"Thank you. I appreciate your apology. Maybe next time you see Bella, you could apologize to her as well," I said quietly, and he nodded.

"So...Emmett told me you're working on a book," he mumbled quietly, his eyes once again on his drink.

"Yeah," I said, feeling myself relax a little with the combination of a comfortable topic and the alcohol now working its way through my system. The waitress brought us fresh glasses of cold, malty beer. "It's different than the other stuff I've written: it's a novel."

Finally he looked back at me and there was life in those phenomenal green eyes and interest etched in his face.

"What's it about?"

I smiled. "One soldier's story living through the Civil War."

Edward's eyes flashed with the same spark that they had when we'd first spoken a week ago, and something within me was pulled to him, intrigued and fascinated. If there was a logical explanation for it, it evaded me. He smiled, and my heart skipped a beat – the reaction made me feel like a teenage girl.

"I know you'll do a wonderful job with it. You're a great writer, and even in your non-fiction work; I can see the stories, see the humanity."

I regarded him for a long moment. Edward's walls were down, for the moment, anyway, and I was completely memorized by him.

"Thanks, Edward. I appreciate that."

He smiled again and took a long sip of his drink, his jade eyes watching me from under his thick brown lashes. Their unique color caused me to decide in that moment that as strange and random as the thought may have been, his hair color must be natural.

Our conversation flowed easily from there, much to my amusement and relief. He was quite possibly the most intriguing and baffling man I'd ever met. I was entranced by the sound of his voice and enamored with each and each facial expression that danced across his face.

Edward had a sense of humor when he allowed it of himself, and, curiously, I found myself thinking that it was he with the brilliant mind, not me. We laughed and talked for a couple of hours before either of us realized so much time had passed.

He glanced at his watch, his face falling, and I watched as his eyes darted around us. It was as if reality had descended and he realized that it was not just he and I in a world of our own, but that we were surrounded by many others, steadily growing more animated, nearing rambunctious with each drink finished. I studied him, morbidly fascinated as his eyes steeled and his face hardened. His eyes met mine for a moment before looking at his hands once more.

"I have to go," was all he said as he stood, donning his black, corduroy jacket and throwing a twenty on the table, leaving me alone in the increasingly loud bar with two half-finished mugs of beer and the baffled whirlwind of emotions he'd created upon his departure.

I watched him walk away, leaving through the heavy glass doors through which I'd entered hours before. He didn't look back, didn't hesitate. His head drooped as did his shoulders, hands shoved in the pockets of his jacket as he crept out of my line of vision.

I couldn't help the half-smile that played on my lips as I shook my head and finished my beer in one final chug. With a deep breath, I stood, settling our tab and leaving the building that had grown far too warm for comfort. Instead of hopping on BART, I opted for the ten block walk back home. I needed the fresh air and the extra time to think.

I couldn't help but be concerned at how I'd completely lost myself in the conversation we'd had. After the dialog actually flowed freely, he was witty and pleasant, and I found myself liking him more than I'd liked anyone for a long time. Yet there was that other side of Edward...the side that had a past that Emmett had cautioned me about, the side that had hurt the most important person in my life, the side that was sullen and broody and downright miserable to be around. It was the side that had made a quick reappearance tonight and brought our nice evening to an abrupt halt.

I shook my head, determined that the next move was his. I'd held up my end of the bargain with Emmett, and I didn't intend to chase the man. He was sexy and brilliant and there was a side of him I was easily attracted to...but I wouldn't seek after the misery that was sure to surround him with the poisonous effects of his past.

I shrugged to myself with a small smile as I reached my apartment building. I'd make myself handle this as I handled every other relationship. Whatever happened would happen, and if Edward called, I would see him again. If not...well, my life would be much simpler for it.

I wasn't surprised to see Bella waiting on the couch. She was in her pajamas, her feet curled beneath her. Her book was upside down and her face was like stone, as if she was dreaming wide awake. My heart warmed at the sight of her, and couldn't help but feel comforted in her presence. I silently walked to her, sitting beside her and wrapping an arm around her warm form.

She blinked and turned in my arms with a smile.

"You were out of it, B," I whispered, kissing her nose.

She nodded with a sheepish grin. "I was daydreaming."

I quirked an eyebrow at her and she shook her head. "Emmett asked me to go away with him next weekend. We've never really done that before..."

"Ah," I said, squeezing her closer to me. "Where are you going to go?"

Her head fell to my shoulder, and she spoke through a yawn. "Hiking in Redwood Forest."

I smiled. "That'll be nice."

She nodded against me.

"You should go to bed, sleepyhead."

"How was your date?"

Her words slurred together, and I leaned back with her, letting her weight fall against me as we sank into the couch.

"Weird," I responded quietly. "Edward is...fascinating."

Her head popped up and she studied my eyes.

"It's like he becomes someone else when he lets go, but...it's so sporadic there's no telling when it's going to happen or for how long."

"Not yet," she said sleepily.

"What do you mean?"

"Maybe it isn't sporadic. Maybe after awhile, you'll be able to tell what causes it..."

As I thought about that, she started snoring softly against my shoulder, and I smiled again, nudging her limp body away from mine and then picking her up and taking her to her room. I slipped her into her bed, tucking her in with a kiss on the forehead.

"Goodnight, darlin'," I whispered and smiled again as she mumbled something incoherent and attached herself to her extra pillow.

I closed her door quietly before heading to my own room. As I was stripping off my clothing, my phone buzzed.

_Thank you for a nice time tonight. Can I see you again?_

I stared at the words, intrigued and perplexed, and admittedly, surprised.

_I had a nice night too, Edward. How about next Saturday?_

I crawled into bed and was reaching to turn out the lamp when another buzz sounded through the air.

_Saturday it is. Goodnight, Jasper._

_Goodnight, Edward._

I bit my lip, and threw my head against the pillow, trying to settle the plethora of emotions coursing through me. The attempt was in vain. I was too tense, too wound up from my interaction with the mysterious Edward, from the shifting change in the gravity of my universe, from the sense that things were changing. And, though I had no idea when or how, I knew there was nothing I could do to stop that now.

My mind raced, focused on the fact that I had never before in my life felt so unsettled about a situation, about life in general. Many nights my imagination worked too quickly for me to settle in and sleep, but never before had the consequence of my own life, my own circumstance been what caused my brain to runaway with thoughts and images.

I opened my eyes with a sigh, knowing sleep would not come easy to me tonight. I replaced my glasses and tossed the blankets away from me. Wandering into the kitchen, I quickly made a pot of coffee and poured myself a cup of the strong, black liquid before heading to the living room and picking up my book.

My eyes wandered across the black print as I slowly worked on my drink, but my mind couldn't focus on the letters, couldn't comprehend the words and sentences and stories within. It was instead wholly concentrated on replaying the evening: on Edward's eyes and his words, his smile and the way I had looked right into his soul once his walls had come down.

Pain coated every expression; hesitancy and fear laced through his very existence. It was a conundrum that I couldn't quite let go of – something that nagged at me like an aching tooth or perhaps more accurately, a ripple in a plot line. Something was off, and it was something massive and significant, and for the life of me, I could not figure out why.

With a sigh of exasperation, I tossed the book down and reached for my laptop under the coffee table. I opened my latest chapter and threw myself into another world, another time and place – another life. Hours I spent in my fantasy world, where I was the architect, where I could control what happened and why.

I was pulled from my focused trance when the light from the hall popped on.

"Jasper?"

"In here," I called to her, sitting back from the keyboard and scrubbing my face.

She stood in the doorway, her heavy, pink terrycloth robe wrapped around her as she studied me. "How long have you been up?"

I shook my head, meeting her eyes. "I don't know. What time is it?"

"Four-thirty," she said quietly as she crossed the room and sat adjacent to me on the couch.

I heaved a sigh as I hit save and closed the lid of my laptop. "I can't sleep."

Bella studied me again for a long moment, and I could almost see the wheels turning in her head. "Edward?"

I nodded. "I've never been affected like this before, Bella...I've never...it's so unlike me to not be able to turn off my brain about someone so..."

I was at a loss for words, and that rarely happened. So...what? So frustrating? So fascinating? So enticing? So miserable? So—

She nodded as she interrupted my musings. "I know. It's a strange thing. I can almost feel a current in the air. I know you don't believe in fate, Jay, but it sure feels like it's at work right now."

Her words clung to the air, thick and ominous.

"You think so?" I finally managed to spit out, unable to deny that it felt oddly as if some kind of force was in motion.

Bella smiled, rubbing her hand over the back of my own. "I do...but then I'm a firm believer in fate and destiny. What I don't understand is how, as a historian, you don't."

I shrugged. "Every event in history from the smallest individual reaction to the largest of wars, evolved from a choice or a series of decisions, Bella. For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction...and all of that," I finished lamely.

"You really believe that, Sparky?"

She smirked. It was the smirk she reserved for when she thought I was being a moron. Maybe I was ...everything in the last week, the events and feelings and the metaphysical gravity making itself known in my life was making me seriously question what I knew about the world: the sure things like cause and effect and consequence and choice.

"I don't know," I said with a sigh, throwing my head forward into my hands.

I felt her hand rub slow circles on my back before it slid down my arm and pried one of my hands from my face.

"Come on, Jay. You need to sleep."

Bella took her turn at tucking me in. My mind was simply too exhausted to further explore the unknown. I wasn't up for solving life's mysteries at that early hour of the morning; I wasn't up for replaying in my mind, just one more time, the date I'd had with Edward.

So many things I didn't know, couldn't figure out. But one thing I did know.

Edward Masen was surely going to be the death of me.

*~*~*

**A/N: WOW you guys seriously blew me away with all those reviews for Chapter 1! Thank you so much for not only taking the time to read, but to review as well. :-)**

**Many thanks to my betas mababerella and NCChris and to my pre-readers (and sounding boards) addictedtotwilight79 and Clurrabella. Love you all lots.**


	3. Chapter 3 Baffling Chemistry

**Chapter 3: Baffling Chemistry**

**~*Art is the stored honey of the human soul, gathered on wings of misery and travail. *~**

**-Theodore Dreiser-**

I found spending the following Saturday in a silent and empty apartment uniquely unsettling. Bella had left with Emmett early that morning for their weekend hiking trip, and I spent the morning tidying up our apartment and preparing for the evening I would share with Edward.

Normally I enjoyed a little solitude and the quiet that came with having the place to myself every now and then. Yet as I paced, cleaned, retraced my steps, and paced again, the quiet held only a nagging restlessness for me. I knew that it was partly Bella's absence that affected my lack of calm. It was an odd feeling, but I never felt fully comfortable or whole when she was away.

Shaking myself from those thoughts, I resolved not to resort to complete pansy-ass behavior. I focused my mind instead on the plans for the evening.

I would be meeting Edward at four at the museum where his paintings were featured. I wasn't normally one to be overcome by my nerves, yet I couldn't deny that's exactly what was happening now.

With the apartment sparkling, I still had three long hours to kill before it was time to go. I contemplated going for a run, but decided against it. I thought about trying to write a few manuscript pages, but couldn't find the calm required to sit still. I finally picked up my phone and sent Edward a text.

_Would you like to come to my place for dinner after the museum?_

I waited for several minutes without reply, drumming my finger tips against the table as my heart rate accelerated at the possibilities that offer could encompass. Finding it impossible to wait any longer, I swiped my phone from the table and shoved it in my pocket before heading out the door. I walked aimlessly for awhile and was deep in thought when my phone buzzed in my pocket.

_Sure. Need me to bring anything?_

_Nope, I've got it. See you soon._

I smiled, and walked with new purpose to the local grocery store, stocking up on some items for dinner and heading back home to put them away. Edward had mentioned on our semi-date the week before how much he enjoyed fajitas. I may have lived in California for most of my life, but my Mama had grown up in Texas. She could make fajitas like no one else I knew, and I learned what little I knew about cooking from her.

Once I'd finished putting the items away, I sent a quick text to Bella.

_All ready for tonight. I never get nervous. Why am I nervous?_

I didn't know if she'd have reception, but I sent it regardless. I abandoned my clothes and my phone in my room to take a shower and get ready for the evening. I took my time, letting the hot water caress my tight muscles as I tried to rid my mind of the nagging, non-stop worrying. I finally shut off the water, drying quickly and dressing casually in a pair of jeans and a blue sweater.

I grabbed my phone in preparation to leave when I noticed a response.

_Maybe you've met your match ;)_

I rolled my eyes, not bothering to respond to her, and took a deep breath, cementing my determination to make it through yet another evening with the sulky Edward Masen.

Edward was waiting for me in the lobby when I arrived. His light green button-up set off both the darkness and the complete depth of his eyes, and for one small moment I was stunned into a stupor. The first glance of Edward always seemed to have that effect on me. I smiled as I walked toward him.

"Edward," I said, nodding to him as I stopped right in front of him.

I was rewarded by one of his rare smiles, and my heart stuttered slightly as I let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding. He didn't appear to be wearing his normal overly-broody mood today.

"Hey Jasper. How has your day been?"

Shocked even more to find a talkative Edward who was actually initiating conversation, I grinned and answered him honestly.

"Long. Yours?"

He smirked casually. "The same."

I watched his eyes for a moment, enjoying the way his smile danced within them when he allowed it. It made him look like an entirely new man. I smiled once more before we walked past the admission desk. Edward leaned over the counter to talk to the woman working there, and I took the brief moment to observe the view of his ass, his dark wash jeans hugging its curve in such a way that made me want to grab his hips and—

"Okay, we're set," he said quietly, his eyes meeting mine before darting in front of us.

He led me through a few exhibits, stopping when I stopped to look at items that interested me. The museum wasn't as busy as I had expected for a Saturday afternoon, and I was glad for it. I feared that a crowded building would bring back miserable Edward.

As we progressed into the next room, a painting caught my eye, transfixing me; I couldn't take my eyes from it. It was poignant, powerful, engaging, and more awe-inspiring than anything I'd ever seen before. The painting captured me, and everything else in the world at that moment disappeared. I saw myself in this painting – myself, and my work. I also saw Edward. I realized at once this had to be his work.

I hadn't realized that Edward had stopped walking, hadn't even really registered that I was still walking until I ran into his solid form. The force of the impact brought me back from whatever alternate dimension I'd escaped to, and I looked at him.

I couldn't be sure what he saw on my face in that moment, but his eyes transformed. A fire lit behind them, and I could almost feel his passion, his complex swirl of pain and need and confusion and longing. He didn't smile, but he didn't look away. He was well aware of what I was seeing, aware that cosmic forces had somehow peeled away his layers in this moment. I couldn't bring myself to smile through the hurricane of emotion created in that moment.

I finally pried my eyes from his and looked back at that first painting that had caught my eye. It was a scene from the Civil War, and a quick glance around us confirmed my suspicion that they all were. They were scenes, real scenes – or what I imaged the real scenes would have looked like. It was as if Edward had pulled the very images I had conjured in my own head while writing.

I don't know how much time passed while I stood, mesmerized by his work; I wasn't even sure what Edward was doing in that moment. Finally I pulled myself back into the realm of reality and glanced at the man next to me. His eyes were fixated on me, and the storm I found brewing behind them stunned me.

"Edward, these are..." I sighed at my lack of words. "I can't even find the words to describe them. They're incredible."

And just like that, the walls slammed firmly back into place. He didn't respond to my comment, nor did he look at his painting. His eyes never strayed from mine, and we stood for several long moments in a strange trance – almost a stand-off. My inability to break his gaze meant Edward alone had the ability to end the moment.

"Um, let's go," he mumbled.

I nodded stupidly and followed behind him, my mind a mess of unfinished thoughts and unformed questions. I wasn't sure what I'd said – or done – to cause the abrupt reaction. I couldn't find congruent triggers for his strange reactions, and I found myself irritated that I even wanted to bother. What was it about him that created this gravitational pull?

We'd left the museum far sooner than I'd wanted to, so we simply walked. I kept stride beside him as we walked blocks, with no apparent destination, no conversation, no explanations and no questions. We'd both retreated into our own thoughts. My thoughts were all a whirlwind centered on Edward.

I cleared my throat and finally found my voice.

"Did you still want to come to my place for dinner, or..." I mumbled nervously.

I was beyond annoyed at the way this man had the complete and total ability to rob me of my confidence, my peace. I glanced at him from the corner of my eye. His head was down, eyes on the sidewalk in front of him.

"Um...yeah, if the offer is still open," he said, his voice just above a whisper.

I would have given anything in that moment for a glimpse inside of his head. Surely there were reasons,explanations, and somewhat rational happenings inside of that mind of his.

"It is," was all I answered, and as we reached a BART station, I took the lead, heading down the steps to catch a ride home.

We sat together on the train amongst those going out for Saturday night. I stole glances at him every now and then, but Edward studied his hands, clasped together tightly in his lap. My nerves were practically vibrating – I wanted so badly to grab his hand, just to see if it would coax a reaction from him, but also because I greedily wanted to feel his skin against my own.

By the time we reached our stop, my body was humming with an electric current I had never felt before, and I'd never been more thankful for that two-block walk to my apartment. Although it was filled with our awkward and unsettled silence, it gave me a chance to walk off some of the strange, buzzing energy.

Once we reached the apartment, I relaxed slightly. There truly was something to the concept of home-court advantage. I turned to Edward with a smile plastered on my face.

"So I thought I'd make fajitas tonight," I said in a tone much lighter than I felt.

I registered the shock on Edward's face before it broke out in a grin. "Really?"

I smiled again. "Yeah, so if you want to make yourself comfortable in the living room...or you can hang out in here, if you'd like."

The joy that filled his face took me by completely surprise.

"Can I help?" he asked as I removed the vegetables from the refrigerator.

"Sure. You want to wash and cut the peppers?"

He nodded, taking them from me with a light-hearted smile that looked so out of place on his serious face.

I pulled out a beer for each of us and set to work cutting chicken strips while Edward cut vegetables. The loosening tension between us made me feel brave, so I let myself ask questions of him.

"So…what do you do when you're not working?"

I didn't make eye contact, in spite of my desire to do so. I kept my focus entirely on the food before me, thinking it might help him to stay relaxed as well.

"I like to be outdoors. Emmett and I hike a lot. He tried to talk me into going down the coast with him to surf, but I'm not really into that. I really enjoy reading, and I go to the theater quite a bit."

I smiled at my cutting board. "Oh yeah? Have you seen any good plays lately?"

I couldn't resist glancing at him. Though his green eyes were focused on his task, I could see the spark across the counter. His long, lean fingers held the red pepper and cut quickly and precisely.

"Yeah. I actually went to see a solo performance last week about FDR. It was fascinating."

Edward's hands stilled, and his eyes met mine. I smiled slightly.

"I've heard that's amazing. Bella and I were actually going to go later this week. Are you an FDR fan?"

Edward's eyes lit with that spark that never seemed to linger for very long, and I was mesmerized by it.

"Definitely. Like anyone, he had his faults, as did his presidency and policy, yet he reshaped this country in a way that I don't think even he realized."

I nodded in agreement. "There are some things that only history can teach us."

Edward studied my face for a long moment, something foreign and faraway in his eyes. I watched him, enamored with the look, perplexed by its distance and the secrets it held. All too soon, Edward looked down, leaving me nearly breathless with the intensity of the moment.

It wasn't long before our dinner was finished and we were at the table, each of us working on our second bottle of Corona and the fajitas we'd made together.

"So, Edward, do you paint the Civil War era only?"

He shook his head, wiping those pink lips before taking a swig of his drink. "No. I mostly do historical work. I've worked on several pieces from ancient Egypt and Japan, as well as American historical events. I've also done some abstract work..." his voice faded, and I glanced up at him.

His eyes were distant again; they were remembering, and they reflected the pain of his memories.

"No one has seen those," he whispered.

I regarded him for a long moment, unsure of what to say or how to gently bring him back to the present. So I continued the only way I knew how; I didn't address it at all.

"I was fascinated by the Civil War pieces you have at the museum. They're…consuming."

_Consuming? God, he's going to think I'm a psycho._

His pensive gaze held mine for a long moment before he smiled softly with a nod. That smile caused something within my stomach to tighten.

"That's what I feel when I read your work, Jasper...consumed."

My heart skipped a beat as allowed myself to divert my gaze down his beautiful face to those full, inviting lips. I glanced back up at him, and his attention was again on his plate. I cursed myself internally for causing him to look away, praying that I hadn't brought back miserable Edward. My fears dissolved, however, when he looked up a moment later, a small, almost flirtatious smile playing on his lips.

"Would you like more? I'm sorry I didn't think ahead for desert. I think we may have some Ben and Jerry's in the freezer?"

He watched me stand.

"No, I'm full. You make incredible fajitas. Best I've had."

I winked at him as I reached for his plate, stacking it with my own.

_That's not the only thing of mine that w could be the best you've ever had, Edward._

I grinned at that thought, heading toward the kitchen.

"Go ahead and make yourself comfortable in the living room, Edward. Would you like another beer?"

"Please," he said.

I heard, rather than saw, him stand up and walk to the other room as I entered the kitchen, my heart pounding wildly against my chest as I placed our dishes in the sink and grabbed another beer for each of us.

When I'd reached the living room, I stopped in the doorway, quietly watching Edward. His back was turned to me as he studied the library that Bella and I shared. Neither of us was big on spending, but one thing we both always splurged on was books.

Edward's graceful fingers danced across the bindings as he read the titles, pausing on _The Historian._

I smiled.

"Have you read it?" I broke the silence, causing Edward to jump slightly.

I chuckled and walked until I was standing next to him, our shoulders nearly touching with our close proximity. "Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you."

Edward flushed slightly and nodded as he took the offered bottle from me, taking a long pull.

"Yes, I have read it. Different. Very interesting."

I nodded my agreement as we both looked back to the books.

"Bella bought that for me a few years ago. I have to say it's easily become one of my favorites."

He was silent for a long time, and I glanced at him to find his eyes watching me once again.

"Can I..." he paused, hesitating. "Can I ask you a question? About you and Bella?"

I felt the prickling of my nerves and the heightening of my defenses. "Yes. I can't promise I'll answer."

His lips twitched in a half-smile. "Fair enough. Have you ever...I mean, did you...have you two ever..."

I smiled at him, unable to hide my amusement.

"Have we ever what? Experimented? Kissed? Fucked?"

A crimson flush spread out from the collar of his shirt up his face, disappearing underneath the crazy mess of copper on top of his head. His eyes darted to his feet, hands to his pockets as his breathing increased.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled.

I risked reaching out to touch his shoulder. His head darted up at the contact.

"It's alright, Edward. Do you want the honest answer?"

Edward pulled his plump bottom lip between his teeth and nodded.

"Want to sit down?" I asked, walking around to the couch and sitting against the comfort of the pillows.

Edward sat beside me, the few inches between us practically sizzling with that same baffling chemistry.

"Yes, Bella and I have experimented...I think that's only natural, especially with as long as we've known each other. Hell, we've been friends since before I even understood why I wasn't attracted to girls when all of the boys my age were out of control with their hormones and lust."

Edward nodded but remained silent, his eyes fixed on mine. He didn't appear to be upset, so I continued.

"Bella was the sort of girl that the boys in junior high and high school drooled over, but she never seemed to show any interest in them. The two of us had each other, and I think a lot of people, including our parents, assumed that we were together, that we'd always be together. Needless to say when I came out in high school, with Bella by my side, everyone was shocked. Things between Bella and I never changed, and eventually everyone became accustomed to the reality," I paused, smiling a bit.

"Did Bella know?"

I nodded. "Yes, the night I decided to tell her about my developing attractions for this guy we went to school with, I was nervous and scared about how she'd react, though I really didn't have to be. I think even now if I confessed a murder to her, she'd stand behind me. But she had known...I think she knew before I even let myself figure it out, you know?"

Edward nodded. "So...if not before you came out, how...?"

I grinned. "It happened right after we'd moved into the dorms our freshman year of college. Neither of our parents had ever been very strict with us, but we both felt the need to go explore our new freedom anyway."

_**Eight Years Previous...**_

"I'm so frustrated," she growled, tossing her book on her messy desk.

Bella had been lucky enough to snag a private dorm, while I had to share with a slob of massive proportions. In the two months that it had been since school started, I'd spent more time in Bella's room than I had in my own.

This particular October evening we were studying for a Chemistry mid-term.

"Hey," I said, sitting beside her on the bed and pulling her chin until her eyes met mine. "You need a break. We've been studying all week. I think we deserve a little fun, don't you?"

Bella eyed me wearily. "If I don't study, I'll fail. I'm not like you, Jay. This doesn't come easily to me."

I smiled as I stood. "Okay. Will you settle for a compromise?"

She quirked an eyebrow and I grinned, walking to her mini fridge and pulling out a six-pack. Her eyes widened.

"How'd you...?"

I plopped down next to her offering her a can. "My dad stopped by earlier. I had to hide these from the oinker in my room," I admitted ruefully.

Bella giggled, taking a sip, pausing to sample the taste on her tongue before her freckled nose wrinkled.

I chuckled. "You'll get used to it."

She shook her head, scooting back on the bed and leaning against the wall, her head making a soft thud. She took a long sip, and I scooted back to sit next to her.

"Hey at least the class is almost half over, right, B?"

Her head fell to my shoulder as she sighed. "Yeah. Now if I can get through it without failing, that'll be even better."

"You won't fail, and I'm not going to let you think about it anymore tonight," I responded, nudging her in the ribs.

And I didn't. We finished off the six-pack with a frightening efficiency, and it wasn't long before we were giggling at our nonsensical conversation. Something triggered between us as our laughter faded and our eyes locked.

Bella's eyes darkened in a way that I hadn't ever seen them before, and her tongue darted out to swipe against her lower lip. I watched, intrigued and slightly fascinated by the sight as my blood pumped through my veins, burning mildly with alcohol and a strange sort of adrenaline.

My mind couldn't keep up with the scene unfolding as Bella leaned toward me, her eyes on my mouth, and I felt my body moving to meet her halfway. My hand instinctively went to her cheek, and I stroked her jaw with my thumb as my eyes met hers. There was less than an inch between us, her breath, smelling of alcohol and Bella mixed in a hot conglomeration with my own. My fingers curled slightly behind her jaw as I pulled her forward, pressing her soft, full lips against my own.

Bella moaned at the contact, her hand weaving its way into my hair as my blood pumped harder and faster through my veins. She was soft and sweet; she was comforting, and she was part of my very soul, but something was missing.

I struggled to push away the nagging thoughts and enjoy the moment with her. Maybe something like this was all that it would take; maybe if I could make this work, things would fall into place; they could be normal for her and I.

I pushed my body against her, coaxing her down onto on the mattress. My hand slid down her arm and back up her stomach, grazing the heated skin under her tee shirt. Her breathing hitched, and I took the opportunity to lick her bottom lip before exploring her mouth with my tongue. It was so different than anything I'd ever experienced before. Bella's fingers played in my hair as her body arched slightly into mine. She was soft, gentle, and she felt almost breakable compared to those I'd shared similar experiences with, those with hard-planed abs and strong biceps.

I pulled away from her slightly at that thought, immediately ashamed at what I was doing to her. I kissed her softly once, twice, and a third time before sitting back, and pulling her up with me. Bella bit her lip, her brown eyes alight, and she smiled.

"Sorry," she whispered. "I got a little carried away."

I smiled at her, brushing her cheek with the back of my fingers. "Me too, Darlin'. That was..."

"...weird," she finished, and we laughed together, yet both instantly sobered by the moment.

"Yes," I said softly.

She giggled. "Well that's what happens when we tempt fate, I guess."

I rolled my eyes at her. "You and your fate."

With a sigh, Bella snuggled into the crook of my arm. I was amazed at the lack of awkwardness between us, at the ease and comfort that still existed, even after such a strange and out of place event. I lazily rested my cheek against the top of her head.

"Yes. Fate. Some things are meant to be, Jay. And some things....well, they just aren't."

How could I argue with that? In spite of the fact that I thought her undying devotion to the idea of fate and karma, things like soul mates and writing in the stars was completely ridiculous, I couldn't argue with the logic of that statement.

"Of course, you're right."

"Of course. I'm always right."

Though I couldn't see it, I could hear the smirk dancing in her voice and kissed the top of her head with a smile of my own.

"That's all?"

I smiled at Edward with a nod. "That's all."

"I expected it to be more."

I watched him for a moment. "Why is that?"

Edward shrugged and looked away. "You're very...comfortable together. You kiss and hold hands and act very...."

I nodded slowly. "We are very comfortable together, Edward. Bella has been the one person I could always count on, you know? It's hard to explain what it means to know so much about another – and they about you – that you can anticipate thoughts and feelings and needs. We don't kiss, nothing more than a kiss on the cheek or forehead."

"But you love her," he said, his voice a bit gravelly.

I searched his eyes for another long moment, wishing I could read his mind. Again, I nodded.

"I do."

"I can't understand that."

I smiled. "I know. It's unusual, and it's weird, and most people don't understand. But it works for us, and what we have is important to us, Edward."

He slid just a bit closer, and I couldn't keep my breath from hitching and my heart from speeding. My eyes never left his. Oddly enough, he stilled, looking at his hands once again.

"It must be nice...having a friend like that."

I swallowed, overwhelmed by the sadness and pain I felt in his voice. I couldn't will my voice to work, and instead I reached forward slowly, letting my hand cup his cheek. It was slightly stubbly, and I could feel his pulse just beneath the surface. He blinked up at me once, then looked down briefly before meeting my stare once more.

My heart raced as my mind rushed ahead, wondering what those lips would feel like, wondering what his hands would feel like in my hair, against my body. It was a moment suspended in time; it seemed to last forever and at the same time not nearly long enough, before I finally pressed my lips to his.

He sat completely still and unresponsive for a moment, and for one horrific second, I thought he would pull away, angry at me for making a move. But then his lips moved against mine, silky and warm and perfect, and I moaned softly into the kiss, sliding my hand from his cheek into his unruly hair. I couldn't keep myself from deepening the kiss, from exploring his mouth and savoring his taste, his smell, the feel of his body now so very close to mine. His lips were incredible, and my cock twitched at the thought of feeling them other places.

All too soon, Edward pulled back, and I opened my eyes with a smile that fell away immediately as I took in the expression on his face. It was twisted in some kind of pain, as if he was being physically tortured from within. I frowned slightly as he stood abruptly, tugging at his hair.

"God dammit," he mumbled.

His eyes met mine briefly before he looked away again.

"Um...I've got to go," he said, and before I could respond, he left the room in a jog.

The door opened and shut again. I sat in the same place I'd shared an amazing kiss with him only moments before, half of me shocked and numb, the other half throbbing and agonized. The silence pulsated through the apartment, in my ears, deafeningly loud as I stared at the door, trying to make sense out of what the hell had just happened.

**A/N: Big thanks to my beta and reader girls mababerella, NCChris, clurrabella and addictedtotwilight79. I swear, without them I'd sound like a first grader. :-)**

**Also – I am completely blown away by you guys' reviews! Thank you so much! It adds so much joy to writing for me. :-) And thanks so much to the Darlin's and the P.I.C blog for recc'ing AD this week!! I am so touched!**

**If anyone is looking for another slash fix and aren't already reading my collab with Clurrabella, check it out! There's a link to our collab page on my profile. We're Sparabella and our slash is a Geeksper/Jockmett entitled Unanswererd Questions.**


	4. Chapter 4 Broken

**Chapter 4: Broken**

Sunday I threw myself into my writing with a fervor unknown even to me. I let my incredible frustration and confusion fall into my text, probably nearing abuse of my characters as my mind focused not on my plot line, but on Edward. Thinking of him only fueled my anger. I had never had a problem like this before; I had never been able to _not_ let go.

I lost all track of time and reality as my fingers pounded against the keys of my laptop, the music from my iPod blaring through my ear buds at an unnecessary volume. My eyes were blurry from hours of staring at the screen; my muscles achy and stiff from sitting too long, yet I couldn't stop. A part of me feared that if I were to stop, I would lose a piece of my sanity.

I was startled by the soft tap on my shoulder and jumped from the seat, yanking the cords of my headphones from my ears, and head darting around to find a shocked Bella. She smiled, and I immediately relaxed with a long exhale.

"Jesus, Bella, you scared the hell out of me."

She giggled, and I couldn't help but smile at her.

The weekend away had been good for her; her usually pale skin was slightly tanned, her long hair shiny and swinging around her shoulders. Her eyes twinkled, and she simply...glowed. It was only then that I noticed Emmett standing behind her with his usual carefree grin.

"Sorry, Jay."

I smiled at her and nodded to Emmett. "Hey, Em."

"Hey, man. You guys have a nice time this weekend?" I asked, reclaiming the chair I'd just vacated.

The two of them shared a smile and nodded at me, sitting together on the couch adjacent to me. I studied them for a moment, contemplating commenting on their happy demeanor, but finally decided against it.

"Are you okay? You look...stressed," Bella said softly, her perceptive brown eyes studying mine with the intensity of a scientist observing a rare species.

I nodded. "Yeah…it was just a long weekend."

She and Emmett exchanged glances before looking back at me.

"Dare I ask how things went with Edward last night?" Emmett asked carefully.

I watched him for a long moment, struggling for an answer, an explanation.

"I don't know how things went, Emmett. He ended up leaving abruptly, which is probably an indication that things didn't go all that well. I thought they were going fine...and then...well, then they weren't, I guess."

My gaze met with Bella's and we shared a long look.

Emmett sighed, pulling me away from the unspoken conversation with Bella.

"Things were going well until he left?"

I nodded, looking at my hands. "Yeah. I mean, I thought they were. Maybe they weren't."

"Edward has a very hard time with who he is, Jasper," Emmett said, his blue eyes uncharacteristically pensive.

I sighed. The ominous and cryptic warnings and non-explanations were annoying the hell out of me.

"Emmett, what the hell does that even mean? Why can't you just tell me what the fuck is going on? Because I'll tell you something, I'm over it."

He nodded, his Adam's apple bobbing slightly as he swallowed. It didn't escape my notice that Bella scooted closer to him, her hand rubbing his back as I felt her eyes penetrating through me.

The situation was far from normal for us, and I wasn't entirely sure how to handle it. A small part of me was hurt by her comforting Emmett instead of me, and the rest of me was even more confused and frustrated. I felt as if I was the only fucking person in my life who didn't know what the hell was going on.

"I understand, but I can't betray Edward's trust, Jasper. Like I told you in the beginning, his past is not my story to tell."

"Come on, Emmett," I responded, my voice louder than I'd intended it to be. "Seriously, you have got to give me something to go with, here. The guy is the epitome of mixed signals, and I have to tell you, I've almost reached my bullshit threshold."

"I really can't, Jasper."

I stared at him, and then finally pried my gaze from him to Bella, who looked at me with wide eyes and a melancholy expression that looked completely out of place on her face.

I sighed again, standing, and running a hand through my hair.

"Look, I've gotta get out of here for awhile. You guys want to go catch a movie or something?"

"I have to get going, Jas. I have papers to grade before tomorrow," Emmett responded, eying Bella for a moment before kissing her and standing.

He shook my hand and smiled. "You're a good guy, Jasper."

I scoffed at him. "Yeah, thanks."

He smiled once more and leaned to kiss Bella's forehead. "I'll call you tomorrow, babe. I love you."

She nodded and smiled. "Love you."

A few moments later, the door closed, and Bella and I were left in a deafening silence. I finally willed myself to look at her, and she offered me a small smile.

"Are you okay?"

"I have to get out of here for awhile, B. Want to walk?"

She nodded, and we left the apartment, walking in the quickly dimming sunlight, her hand laced through my elbow. Bella was silent as I gathered my thoughts.

"We kissed," I said quietly.

I saw her nod in my peripheral vision. "And he bolted?"

I nodded.

She sighed, and silence filled the air once more as we moved to the side for a couple, a man pushing a stroller and a woman holding a leash for the small pug that led their way. Finally, she spoke, and I could feel her eyes on me.

"Why do you think he left?"

"Hell if I know, Bella. He's...incredibly difficult to read. One minute he's hot, the next he's cold; he's intelligent and has this amazing talent, and when he relaxes, I really enjoy being around him. But holy hell, he's full of landmines."

"You think you make him nervous or something?" she asked softly.

I thought on that for a moment.

"I suppose that's possible. But seriously, could that really be enough to make him so...unstable?"

She sighed with a shrug. "Maybe. You sure it's instability?"

"What are you, a shrink?"

She nudged her elbow into my ribs. "You're the one who wanted to talk about it."

I couldn't suppress my smirk. "I don't know what the hell it is. I don't care anymore. He's the one who stormed out, so the ball is in his court. I'm done with this."

I glanced at her sideways to find her watching me. Her tongue was in her cheek, and she bit down on it.

"What?" I couldn't hide the annoyance in my voice, not that I wanted to.

"Nothing," she said quickly. "I don't know what to tell you, Jasper. I can understand your frustration, but at the same time, you have never had to put effort into anything, and I think this scares the hell out of you."

Her words stopped me in my tracks as I stared into her brown eyes incredulously.

"Excuse me?"

"Come on, Jay. You've never _ever_ had a relationship that required any kind of effort on your end...once it was required, you bolted. It's what you do."

"No, it's not. I just don't have time for games, Bella."

"There's a difference between legitimate problems and playing games, Jasper."

I felt my eyes narrow on her as I was left speechless, my mind reeling and struggling to make sense of her words. It felt as though she was talking about someone else.

"What are you saying? That he's not playing games? That he's not trying to exert some kind of power or control over me or something fucked up like that?"

I was surprised when Bella bit her lip, a sign of nervousness she rarely used with me.

"I'm saying that I don't think he's playing games or toying with you. I don't think he's fighting for power or control...I think he's fighting for understanding...fighting to find himself. And you and I both know there's something deeper between you. Why else would you be so worked up, Jasper? I've never seen you so focused on someone; you'd have been millions of miles away by now had this been anyone else."

I couldn't deny the truth in that. We began walking again as the pale sunset turned to black.

"Well, I'm not going to call him. I have better things to do with my time."

She raised a brow. "Writing life instead of living it?"

"Damn it, Bella," I growled. "If this was a guy _you_ were dating, had Emmett acted this way when you first started dating him, do not tell me you wouldn't have moved on in a heartbeat, because we both know that's not true."

"I don't think so. Not if I felt that same intense connection that you feel, Jasper. You know, those feelings don't just appear out of nowhere. When they exist, they're there for a reason."

I groaned.

"It's chemistry, Bella, not fate. There's a difference. For starters, one of them is real."

She rolled her eyes, shaking her head. "Okay, whatever you say, Jasper. Look, you know I love you, and I will support you regardless of what decisions you make in your life. I just don't want you to throw away something that could be very good for you."

"And by good you mean complicated and unnecessarily dramatic?"

She smiled. "You're too cynical."

"No, I'm a realist."

We rounded the corner to our building and I unlocked the door. I followed Bella inside and we started up the stairs.

"What if he calls you?"

I sighed. "I don't know. I guess I'll decide what to do about it if it happens."

I watched the back of her head shake back and forth. "You're too damned stubborn for your own good, Whitlock."

**~j*W*j~**

The following week was long and frustrating. On some level, I was sure that Edward would call – that maybe what had happened Saturday night was a mistake or a misunderstanding. I didn't know why the hell I even wanted him to call. If I knew what was good for me, I'd be rejoicing in the fact that he'd seemed to remove an unnecessary complication from my life.

I didn't need it.

That's what I kept reminding myself as my mind wandered from my work and refused to focus on anything for too long. Bella's knowing looks taunted me in a way that only she could, and the apartment seemed to close in on me a little more every day. Sleep, when it finally found me, was restless and full of strange dreams that I couldn't quite remember.

Tuesday night I lay in bed, completely frustrated and hotly irritated over this obsessive infatuation that I couldn't seem to let go. I sighed, throwing my elbow over my eyes, hoping for just one night of rest.

Edward's green eyes with their secrets and suppressed passion flashed behind my eyelids, and my heart rate increased slightly. My arm slid from my face to my chest and then slowly down my stomach. I couldn't help but replay the recurring fantasy I'd conjured for the last several nights. It stemmed from my fascination and grew with my apprehension, anticipation, intrigue, the damn confusion, and of course, lust.

I thought of the intensity in his face that night, his plump bottom lip...and I hardened immediately. I let my mind explore the fantasy that had plagued me as I lightly stroked my cock. It started with his hooded eyes; their color alone was sensual, but they held such depth, such understanding and so many secrets that I couldn't look away. I couldn't worm my way out of their all-consuming hold on me, and in my daydream, I didn't want to.

Unable to refrain from touching him, my hands would ghost to his neck, pulling his sultry mouth toward mine, and I would hold him to me, taste him, and revel in the feel of the soft flesh against my own. He would moan and I'd press my body against his.

My hand tightened on my now throbbing erection, and I stroked its length at a slow and torturous pace.

I groaned slightly, keeping my volume to a minimum. It wasn't as if Bella hadn't heard this before – it wasn't as if I hadn't heard her before, yet it wasn't something I wanted to announce with loud proclamations, either.

My speed increased as I thought of Edward's hands, his beautifully long, artist hands. I could only imagine how amazing they would feel against my skin, my body, my chest...my dick. I groaned a little louder as I fisted the sheets with my free hand.

I lost myself in the image of Edward kissing me, of his hand working furiously against my hard-on, then his mouth, his hot, silky, wet mouth and magic tongue.

I grunted with pure pleasure as hot liquid shot across my hand and stomach, up my chest. I panted, trying to ground myself back to earth. I was still for a few long moments, my pulse pounding against my veins, my heated skin almost aching with pleasure and release.

I shook my head ruefully as I grabbed the box of tissues from my night stand and cleaned my mess. I smiled, relaxing against the pillows and falling into a dreamless and sound sleep.

That serenity didn't last nearly long enough, though, as by the next afternoon, I was crawling out of my skin again. I left for a walk and wandered aimlessly for over an hour, and was shocked by the fact that my feet had taken me to the Fine Arts Museum. I stared at the front of the building for a few long moments before heaving a heavy sigh and stepping inside.

Once I paid my admission, I took no time to stop and study the pieces adorning the spaces around me. I walked steadily, with purpose, until I reached it.

Edward's exhibit.

Something in my chest pulled a bit as I swallowed. My eyes were glued to the pieces, and again I was pulled into another dimension. Each of his many pieces intrigued me, and I wasn't sure where to start until my gaze transfixed on one framed work so intense and so captivating that it took my breath away.

A man in a confederate uniform, ripped and filthy, knelt next to a fallen soldier wearing a union uniform. The confederate, his face grimy, was smeared with the red Georgian soil swirled with sharply contrasting crimson blood. His face was broken in devastation, desolation, and defeat – not of the battle, but of the soul. A bloody hand was on the forehead of his fallen enemy, and tears carved rivers through the filth on his cheeks.

I forced the weight on my chest away and breath into my lungs as my eyes caught sight of something I may have missed had I not been so captivated. Behind the men was a tall, proud general in a clean and crisp confederate uniform. With not one of his graying hairs out of place, his eyes resembled sharp, green lasers as he looked upon the two soldiers. Every hair on my arm stood to attention as a chill ran through me at the expression on the officer's face.

"What are you doing here?"

I hardly heard the whispered words, but somehow the voice that carried them pulled me from the painting and back into reality. I slowly turned around to see Edward, his face miserable, his eyes dejected.

"Edward," I breathed, unable to find my voice.

He swallowed and kept his eyes on me for a long moment of maddening silence.

"Jasper, what are you doing here?"

I inhaled slowly. Of all of things I wanted to say to him, all of my questions and confusion and frustration, all I could manage to say was, "I don't know."

We stood in another timeless moment, and his gaze burned through me. Gravity seemed to refocus but I still couldn't look away from him. Bella's musings from throughout the week replayed in my mind as I watched him, a complete prisoner to him. What secrets loomed in that beautiful head? And what really caused the pain always boiling beneath the surface of him?

"Uh," I finally stuttered, the emotional gravity surrounding us nearly buckling me. "Hey, do you want to go get some coffee? I'd..." I cleared my throat. "I'd like to talk to you, if that's okay?"

Edward shook his head and remained speechless as his eyes traveled from mine to the painting that had shaken me so deeply. He swallowed.

"Do you ever wonder," his voice was a cracked whisper. "Do you ever wonder if people can be broken beyond fixing?"

I stared at him as he regarded his painting, dumbfounded and completely uncomfortable.

There was no way I was up for this.

"Yes," I responded honestly, my voice just as low and desperate as his.

He nodded. "And the verdict?"

After a long silence I finally found my voice again.

"I came very close to failing psychology," I said abruptly.

His laugh was punctuated and harsh. "Yeah, I don't have a fucking clue, either."

His eyes still danced across his painting, a strange mix of pride and pain, something tragic resting just beneath the surface. I finally let my own gaze fall back to the painting.

With a slow intake of breath, I ventured forward. "Do you ever wonder how many of those men were broken in the war? Not physically, of course, but...emotionally? It did happen – in war I think it's inevitable...but just how many of them were devastated by it? Fundamentally and irrevocably altered?"

We stood side by side, our shoulders touching as we studied the grand sculpture of paint.

"I wonder that about a lot of things," he said quietly.

I looked at him again, and finally he met my gaze.

"Let me buy you a coffee," I said, feeling stronger, braver as I took his hand.

He looked down at our joined skin and inhaled sharply before his eyes met mine once more. He swallowed again, and I forced myself to keep eye contact, to not watch his throat bob or the tantalizing way he bit his lower lip.

"Okay."

We didn't speak again until we reached a small and, luckily empty, cafe. We ordered our drinks and sat at a small, round table in the back. I studied Edward for a long moment as he looked at his cup, and with my new-found bravery, I spoke first.

"Edward," I paused, waiting for him to meet my gaze. I sucked in a breath when he finally did, those pools of green overwhelming me once again.

"Listen, can I be honest with you?"

He nodded hesitantly.

"I like you, Edward. But I have to admit, I'm completely baffled. I need to know what you want, what you expect...because this back and forth stuff is driving me crazy. Why'd you leave last week? Did I cross a boundary I shouldn't have? I mean, maybe I read your signals wrong, but...Edward, it seemed like you wanted that just as much as I did..."

He sighed with a slow nod. "I don't know what I want," was all he said.

Just as the silence was about to push my frustration over the edge, he finally continued.

"I...I don't know how to do this."

I swallowed, suddenly feeling very overwhelmed. Our relationship couldn't possibly be this serious already – there should be no reason to have this kind of conversation so early.

I laughed nervously. "Look man, don't get me wrong. I'm not talking commitment or anything here; I mean, geez, we just met. But..." I paused, searching for the right words as I watched his expression change.

Suddenly his shield was down and I saw the need in his eyes - the loneliness, the desolation.

"I mean, I need to know if you want _anything._ If you want me to leave you alone, I will."

I don't know why those words pained me so much. I'd be far better off if he said he wanted nothing to do with me – but I was kidding myself if I thought I really believed that was what I wanted.

He slowly shook his head. "I don't want you to leave me alone. I just...I can't...I can't do the relationship thing; I just can't."

I couldn't help but smirk.

"Edward, you don't have to worry about that. Look, we can just be casual; I'm okay with that."

Was I?

"But I have a stipulation," I said, my smirk growing.

He frowned.

"No pulling away from another fucking hot kiss again."

He heaved a half-sigh, half-laugh and smiled nervously. "Yeah. Okay. Casual."

I studied him for a moment, unsure of why instead of eliminating my confusion this little agreement only added to it. I wasn't happy with it. I was the king of casual. But the pit in my stomach told me in more ways than one that this wasn't something that would ever be casual. It scared the living shit out of me.

I internally shook myself from those thoughts. They were truly Bella's opinion coming out; I'd never agreed with that kind of nonsensical theory. There was no reason that it should be any different now.

I smiled at Edward, and he smiled back slightly, his eyes darting to my lips.

I smirked. "Come here," I said, fisting his shirt and pulling him across the table to meet me half way.

Our lips met with an intensity I wasn't expecting, and I nearly gasped when I felt his tongue on my lip. I moaned slightly as it slipped into my mouth, hot and silky and tasting of coffee and caramel.

I allowed myself to forget. I forgot the confusion and the frustration, the thoughts of commitment and lack thereof. Instead, I focused on Edward's spicy smell, the feel of his stubble brushing across my upper lip and chin.

I forced myself to slow the kiss and then end it, and I grinned at him.

"If we don't stop, I may very well do something highly inappropriate to you in a public place."

He bit his lip, his eyes on my mouth. I swallowed a groan.

"Let's get out of here."

He nodded silently, following me out of the cafe, and we walked with a quick pace to the nearest BART station. Our timing was impeccable, and the train we needed was there upon our arrival. He sat close to me, and I pulled out my cell.

_Are you home?_

I moved the phone to my right hand and let my left fall to Edward's leg. He stiffened slightly, but his muscles relaxed beneath my fingers and I teased him with light, small circles.

My phone buzzed.

_Not yet, why?_

_Mind staying at Emmett's tonight?_

As I waited for her reply, I slid my hand up his thigh, spurred on by his quiet, stifled moan. I leaned toward him, letting my lips graze his jaw as my hand reached the top of his thigh.

My phone vibrated again, and I pulled my lips from his neck to take a look.

_Sure...what's going on?_

I smiled.

_Ran into Edward...Thanks, B. Will call you later._

I shoved my phone in my pocket and returned my attention to the gorgeous man next to me. His hand fell to my leg, mirroring mine on his. His fingers kneaded through my jeans, and my now fully erect cock was throbbing.

We finally reached the station, and I nudged him before the doors opened. We were the first out the door and practically jogged to my apartment building. I quickly unlocked the door and pushed him against the wall of the stairs, my lips tangled with his as he treated me to a much louder moan.

We slowly made our way up to the apartment, a mess of tangled arms, legs and lips. Finally inside, I pulled him to my room and stopped for a moment to look at him. His hair was in even more disarray that usual and his green eyes were on fire with passion and lust, reflecting my own desire. I stepped closer to him, reaching for the hem of his shirt, pulling it up and over his head. I had barely removed my own when his lips attacked mine again.

My groan echoed through his mouth as his hands slid across my bare back. I pulled back, sliding my tongue across the roughness of his neck. He panted in my ear as my lips reached his own and my teeth bit softly on his lobe.

His hips bucked forward, his erection brushing against mine; our moans were perfect in their unison and harmony and my fingers slid down his stomach to the button of his jeans. My mind was already two steps ahead of my actions, picturing his cock in my mouth, imagining the noises he would make when he came.

I felt Edward stiffen at the action, but I continued, sure he would relax in a moment...especially when my hand gripped his dick.

My hand didn't make it that far. Edward pushed back, and I released the hold I had on his button.

I searched his watery eyes for a moment.

"What is it?" I asked, my chest heaving breathlessly as I forced my frustration down.

Edward's eyes closed and he shook his head. I watched as he sighed, his eyes sad as he stepped away, walked to my bed, and sat on the edge. "I'm sorry."

I stood, staring at him, a battle waging within myself to stay calm. "What's wrong?"

"I...I can't. I thought maybe I could...but...I can't. I'm sorry."

His voice was as broken as his expression, and while one side of my brain was reminding me that he wasn't running away this time, that he may be open for conversation about it, the other half of my brain screamed out in frustration – sexual, emotional and everything in between.

"Fine. You know, maybe this just isn't going to work. Clearly something here isn't clicking," I said, trying to keep a little of the bite out of my tone.

A hurt that I didn't understand washed over his face. "It's not that, Jasper, it's...I..."

"No. It's okay, Edward. You don't want to. Whatever. Maybe we should redefine casual. I mean...were you talking about just friends, or...what the hell do you want, Edward?"

His eyes dropped to his hands. "No, that's not what I meant, but..."

"But what? Look, I can't keep doing this. I just...I'm sorry. I can't." I paused, risking a glance at him.

He looked away, his face full of agony. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

I pushed away the part of me that wanted to reach out to him.

"No," I said, solidifying my willpower. "Maybe you should just go."

His eyes darted to mine. "Jasper –"

And in that moment, as clear as if she was in the room with us, I heard Bella's words.

"_You've never ever had a relationship that required any kind of effort on your end...once it was required, you bolted. It's what you do."_

I sighed, feeling exhausted and defeated. My feet carried me unbidden to the foot of the bed, where I sat next to Edward.

"What's wrong, Edward?" I asked quietly.

My eyes found his.

"I'm scared," he whispered.

I frowned. "Of what?"

"You."

The single word knocked me off balance, making my world spin and my heart speed wildly.

"Why?" I choked out.

"I can't ignore you like I ignore everyone else...I...I can't get involved again, Jasper."

My eyebrows pulled together as my mind raced, trying to figure out what he could possibly be talking about. My veins pulsated; my head ached.

"I don't understand," I finally admitted.

"There's only...I mean," he paused, clearing his throat and rubbing his hands roughly over the legs of his jeans. "Only one person, I..."

His stuttered words clicked into place, and before I realized what I was doing, my fingers tugged at his chin, bringing his distressed eyes back to mine. "You've only been with one person?"

He fought to keep his eyes locked on mine and swallowed with a slight nod.

"And you were in a relationship with him?" I asked gently.

He nodded again.

I exhaled slowly. Without focusing too greatly on the consequences of what I was about to say, I followed my gut and jumped in head first.

"Okay. Edward, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have reacted like that. I didn't realize...look, maybe we should just start over, huh? Clean slate and all of that?"

I smiled ruefully at him, and a small, lop-sided smile danced across his lips.

"And all of that," he repeated in a whisper.

**~j*W*j~**

**A/N: As always, a monster thank you to my beta girls NCChris and mabarberella. They're both truly amazing and I completely love them! And, of course, my girls addictedtotwilight79 and Clurrabella – without them I wouldn't be writing this :)**

**Thank you so much to all of you who are reading and reviewing! That means so much to me; I can't even tell you :) **


	5. Chapter 5 Brewing Storm

**Chapter 5: Brewing Storm**

"**All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on."**

**~Havelock Ellis~**

I smiled ruefully, shaking my head as I handed Edward his shirt. I couldn't stop myself from eying the contours of his smooth chest and his flexing biceps as he pulled the fabric over his head; his eyes met mine, and I grinned at being caught.

I had no fucking clue where to go from here or exactly what I'd gotten myself into with that last statement of 'starting over'. Inevitably, I would have it out in words and thoughts written in a secret place eventually; for now, though, I pushed all of it aside and glanced at Edward again.

His green eyes were calm – as calm as they could be with the ever-present pain lurking in their mossy depths. They were no longer alight with passion or fevered with need. The electrical charge in the room had been neutralized, our breathing had calmed, and I was left completely dumb-founded as to the next step.

"Are you hungry?" I blurted out, unable to think of anything else to distract us.

His lips tipped in an uneven, amused smile; he saw right through me.

"Yeah, sure. What've you got?"

We meandered to the kitchen, and Edward perched on a stool while I stared into the refrigerator.

"My week to shop," I mumbled, annoyed that I hadn't gone yet. "We don't really have all that much. Left-over pizza, some tofu burgers Bella bought – not that I consider that food..."

Edward smirked.

I stood slightly to meet his eye over the door of the fridge. "Alfredo?"

He nodded, and I pulled out the bowl, pouring its contents into a pan to reheat. I glanced at Edward as I stirred; it was an oddly domestic moment that made my stomach curl in a foreign unease.

"Jasper?"

My gaze met his again, and when he didn't continue, I paused.

"Yeah?"

Edward looked at his hands, a habit, I was beginning to realize, he frequently used. I studied his face, noticing the tiny etches of sadness that I had never noticed before. They were tragically appropriate.

"Why were you at the museum today?"

I let the silence envelope us as I waited for him to look at me before I answered.

"Honestly?"

He nodded.

"I couldn't get you out of my head," I finally admitted aloud, to him – and to myself. "I wanted to see your work. I didn't get the chance to really check it out the first time we were there."

Edward watched silently as I turned the stove top off and filled a bowl of noodles for each of us.

"Want to eat here at the bar?" I questioned, nodding toward the bowls.

When Edward nodded, I took a seat on the stool next to him, and we were silent for a few moments as we ate, each of us lost in our own thoughts.

"What were you thinking? When you were looking at that painting?"

Eye contact was awkward with the way we were seated, and it was almost as if it made it easier for this conversation. Neither of us was even close to being within our comfort zone.

I cleared my throat. "I was really overtaken by it, Edward. I'm amazed by your talent and the life you infuse into paint. All I could wonder was 'why'."

"Why?" he repeated, his voice just above a whisper.

"Why. Why was it happening? Why were the two enemies together? Why'd the confederate care for his fallen opponent? Why."

He nodded, and after a long pause he said, "I hate it."

Startled, I turned to meet his gaze, which was already focused on me.

"What?"

"I hate that painting."

An ominous silence rested between us for another few long, torturous moments as I struggled with finding my voice.

"Why?" I whispered.

Edward shook his head. "It doesn't really matter, does it? It's true of all my paintings to some extent, pieces and parts that I hate. That one, though...it is one of the worst."

My mind reeled with the meaning of his words, and I felt struck by some unknown force as I realized that Edward didn't paint because he enjoyed it. There was some other motivation, dark and unpleasant, pushing him forward, forcing from him the pain locked within his soul.

"Edward...why do you paint if you hate it so badly?"

His smile was still somehow beautiful in all its sadness and affliction.

"I don't hate painting, Jasper. It's what comes out when I paint that I hate."

"Edward—"

He cut me off, shaking his head and standing.

"I have to go, Jasper. I'd," he hesitated for a moment before his eyes again met mine. "I'd like to see you again...if that's okay?"

Multiple reactions and emotions warred within me at his words. One half of my mind gloried in the words, relieved that he wasn't running away – that he wanted to see me again, in spite of everything. The other half of me screamed in opposition, terrified of Edward, of his art, of his past. The fear was quickly obliterated by the other half, the stronger half – the half that couldn't seem to step away from the man who had uprooted my quiet life.

I finally nodded, and smiled through the whirlwind within me.

"I'd like that, too. How about you come over with Emmett on Friday night? We were just going to do a casual movie night with take-out."

Edward's eyes flashed quickly, almost imperceptibly, with distress or fear, I couldn't tell. It was gone immediately, covered neatly with that forced, awkward smile – not the Edward smile that I was growing attached to.

"That'd be great."

I smiled and stood, walking him to the front door.

"Friday, then," I repeated, partially afraid that he'd disappear through the door and never return.

Edward's smile relaxed as he nodded. "Friday."

I was struck by the oddity of the evening. Just hours before, we'd walked through this door in a tangle of heated passion, my tongue practically down his throat. And now, without so much as a chaste brush of the lips, Edward walked out of that same door, looking back only once, before he went down the stairs and out of sight.

***j~W~j***

"Stop fidgeting."

I sighed, glancing over at her as my fingers tapped restlessly against the steering wheel.

As her lopsided smirk mocked me, I glared at her, turning my attention back to the traffic on the bridge.

"Your mom is going to notice that, you know," Bella said quietly, her voice already full of her own victory.

"I know," I practically growled.

My mother was perceptive – too perceptive. I'd never been able to lie to her, to sneak out, to cover something. She always knew. Just like she would know tonight without my saying one word about it that my world had been turned completely upside down, and I was so far out of my normal that I questioned what the hell I was doing. I had no answers for myself, but she would know, and she would torture me with it.

I felt Bella's fingers pry my right hand from the steering wheel; their warmth spread throughout me, immediately calming me like she had so many countless times before. I glanced at her as I squeezed them.

Bella smiled.

"Calm down, Jasper. You're entirely too moody."

I huffed a laugh. "Easy for you to say."

"It is. Relax," her voice turned serious, and I glanced at her with a nod as we left the bridge and took the first exist.

This neighborhood was stuck in time. It was Victorian, like so much of the architecture in the area, and it was completely suspended in its pristine, superlative essence. Bella and I had grown up in this neighborhood, yet driving the short distance between our home and my parents' house in Sausalito was like entering into a fairytale – a familiar world that I could never quite believe was real.

We drove up the hill and around the curvy bends until we reached it; the blue, three-story Victorian I'd grown up in. Bella's family had lived three houses down from us, and our days of playing in these yards and sidewalks felt lifetimes away as I parked behind my mother's Escalade and opened the door for Bella.

"You're here!"

I grinned, jogging toward the petite blonde whose curls and blue eyes I'd inherited. I picked her up in one fluid motion and spun her around.

"Mama."

She laughed as I placed her back on her feet, and immediately her arms were around Bella.

"Bella, sweetheart, you look beautiful."

"Thanks, Anne," Bella smiled radiantly as my mother eyed her with a keen perception.

Her eyes turned toward me and narrowed. "Two months, Jasper?"

I smiled. "Sorry, Mom. Things have gotten a bit crazy lately."

"Mm-hmm," she said, her eyes still studying mine with an intensity that made me feel like a fidgeting eight-year-old who was caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

She finally smiled and ushered Bella and I into the house. I glanced at Bella from the side, catching the smug smile on her face as we entered the living room. Shaking my head at her, I moved to greet my father with a hug.

"Hey kids. How was the drive over?"

I nodded. "It was alright. Smells great in here, Mama."

She smiled, quite obviously pleased with the praise. Her southern accent was more pronounced with her excitement of us being there for dinner, and I grinned as she flurried around us in a whirlwind of motion.

"Well, we're havin' enchiladas, and they're ready. Why don't ya'll take a seat while I grab them?"

"I'll help," Bella piped in, following my mom into the kitchen as comfortably as if it had been our apartment, while I sat at the table in the dining room with my dad.

"How's work going, son?" he asked as he poured iced tea into my glass first, then his own.

I smiled. "It's going pretty well. I have a meeting with my editor next week, and I'm ahead of schedule on my chapters, which is good."

He nodded and smiled as Mom and Bella walked in, each carrying a dish. "There's our girls. Anna, it smells absolutely divine, as always. Bella, you sneaking out multiple-generation recipes for that fancy restaurant of yours?"

Bella laughed, and I smiled at the joy that danced across her face. I wasn't sure when it had happened, but Bella glowed – she was happier than I had ever seen her before, and while I knew I should be happy in her joy, I couldn't squelch the unease within me. I knew the roots of that happiness; it was something that would inevitably be taking her away from me, and that terrified me beyond anything else that could in this world.

My father prayed for the meal, as he always had done and would always continue to do, and we all fell into comfortable conversation.

"Now, Bella, tell me about your young man. You are positively radiant, sweetheart," my mom gushed as she passed the hot sauce to her.

I glanced at Bella, suddenly feeling nervous. Could I have missed something important with her? Had something happened that I hadn't noticed in the midst of my own whirlwind dilemma of the past few weeks?

Bella blushed, her skin glowing as she smiled at my mother.

"Well, he's a teacher," Bella began, her grin widening.

My stomach churned.

"He teaches high school biology. He's originally from Portland. He's sweet and kind – really just a big teddy bear," she continued with a blush.

I inhaled deeply, slowly, feeling nauseous as my mind fell through thoughts almost faster than I could keep up. I had no idea where the panic came from, or why it chose to appear now.

"How long have ya'll been together, now?"

"About a year," she said softly.

"You love him," my mom said, no hint of a question in her tone.

Bella nodded, biting her lip as her eyes darted to mine and back to her plate. Her uncharacteristic mannerisms knocked me even further off my center of balance, and I suddenly felt unable to breathe.

"Excuse me," I choked out, standing and leaving the room as quickly as I could manage without running.

I locked myself in the bathroom, panting heavily as the world spun, unable to get a grip on myself, on reality, on why the hell I was freaking out in the first place. My knuckles turned white as I gripped the edge of the marble counter, and I forced myself to look in the mirror.

My face, my eyes, everything about the image reflected back at me, all of it betrayed my fear and panic...hesitancy and frustration. What the fuck was wrong with me?

The soft knock against the door startled me, pulling me away from my thoughts.

"Jas?"

My breath left me in one quick huff.

"Yeah?"

"Sweetheart, are you okay?"

I walked to the door, opening it slightly – just enough to reveal her tender face, her worried eyes.

"Yeah, Mom. I'm okay."

I pulled the door the rest of the way open, and she took my hand, pulling me into my old room. If the neighborhood was frozen in time, my room must have been some sort of time capsule. It was exactly the same as it had been the day that I left home – the day I'd left full of dreams and possibilities, a day that life had been simpler, easy.

I sat on the blue comforter of my old double bed, and one of the two most important people in my life sank next to me, her soft, nurturing hands folded her lap. She was silent for a long few moments, and I finally sighed.

"Where's Bella?" I asked.

I couldn't bring myself to look at her, keeping my gaze trained on my hands, which surprisingly, made me think of Edward in that moment. I smiled slightly as I watched her hand weave into my own.

"Your father took her to look at the new fountain we installed in the garden last week. Are you going to tell me what's bothering you, or are you going to make me pry it out of you, Jasper?"

I shook my head, taking a deep breath and holding it until my lungs began to burn before releasing it again.

"Why do you ask? You always know."

Her soft laugh filled my room, and I smiled slightly.

"I'd rather have you get it off your chest. Something or other about therapeutic conversation."

I grinned, shaking my head in amusement. "Sure, Mama, whatever you say."

She chuckled, squeezing my fingers. "So?"

I shook my head again. "I don't know," I admitted honestly. "I don't know, but as I looked at Bella tonight, Mom, as I listened to her talking about...I don't know. I panicked, and I can't explain why. I don't know why."

I saw her nod in my peripheral vision.

"Are you jealous?"

I glanced at her, incredulously. "Am I jealous?"

Her gaze held mine steadily, and I couldn't stand looking into the unspoken wisdom that they held. With a sigh, I dropped my eyes back to my lap.

"Yes. I want to be the one to make her that happy."

My mother's silence scared me more than anything I could admit aloud. I dreaded the meaning of that silence. I dreaded the words that would follow it.

"Jasper, you and Bella have always had such a very special and unique relationship, but baby, you can't hold onto her like you have been forever. If you love her, you need to let her find her own happiness." She shifted, her knee brushing against mine as her fingers swiped at the hair that had fallen across my forehead.

"Sweetheart, she can't play house with you forever without fulfilling her own needs of love and family. She deserves those things, Jasper, and there are things you will never be able to give Bella."

An unfamiliar pain shot through my being at her words. She said the exact thing that I'd been pushing out of my brain more and more over the past few months...the last several _years_, if I was honest with myself. I hunched over, my elbows on my knees. I wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn't come.

"I don't want to let her go," I choked out.

Her hand was on my back then, rubbing familiar, comforting circles like it had so many countless times before. "Jas...you will never have to let Bella go. She loves you, and you love her. You will always share that bond. You will always have each other. But Jasper, it's time for you to let go of the things that you can't control. It's not only holding Bella back, sweetheart, but it's holding you back. Don't think you're keeping that change from me. Your eyes have always betrayed you, Jas."

I turned my head, glancing at her. When I said nothing, she smiled softly.

"Who is he?"

I shook my head, tongue in cheek, hating this conversation and resenting my life now more than ever.

"Why don't you want to talk about him?"

I sighed. "I've only known him for three weeks, Ma. And I don't get him. He's confusing and frustrating, and I...I don't know. There's nothing to say."

I held back the growl of self-loathing. I felt like a fucking teenager all over again.

"You're different, Jas. He's changed something within you."

I shook my head. "No. It's impossible, Mom. I haven't even known him a month. And he's a mess of problems with so much baggage. There's no way," I paused, my fingers pulling against one another in some kind of fight that wasn't winnable. "It's not supposed to be like this."

"What is it supposed to be like?" she asked softly.

I didn't have an answer.

"Oh, my sweet boy. Things like this never come easily. Did you expect a low-maintenance, simple and uncomplicated relationship to fall in your lap, Jas? That's not real, sweetheart. And quite honestly, relationships like that have no depth, no real foundation."

"Who said that I want depth and foundation, Mom?"

She quirked an eyebrow, holding my gaze for a timeless moment.

"_I_ say that you do. I _know_ that you do. You were never meant to live this life alone, Jasper."

I sighed, my frustration building. I pushed aside the anger and glanced at her. "I'm not alone. I have Bella."

She shook her head, her eyes glancing toward the ceiling before looking back at me.

"You don't have Bella, Jasper. At least not in that manner of speaking, and you both know that."

I threw my head in my hands. "Is she okay?"

"She's fine, Jasper. She's worried about you and wanted to come talk to you, but I asked her to let me talk to you first. Should I send her up?"

I nodded, refusing to look at her again, feeling like a mess of frightened insecurity. My mother silently left the room, and I heard her footsteps going down the stairs. The silence pounded throughout the air around me, and just when I thought I would lose it, I heard another set of footsteps ascending on the wooden stairs.

"Hey, Jay," Bella whispered, and I felt her take the place next to me.

"Hey," I responded as quietly, lifting my head to meet her gaze.

I couldn't bring myself to be embarrassed by the tears that began streaming down my face with just a glance at her. After all, this was Bella. She was my best friend, the one who knew me better than anyone else in the world.

Her hand brushed against my cheeks as tears pooled in her own. "I'm...I'm sorry I've been so distant lately, Jay."

I inhaled slowly, reaching for her free hand. "Bella...I'm sorry I made you feel like you couldn't talk to me about Emmett. I'm sorry that I didn't see the changes, that I've been holding you back," my voice cracked slightly.

She shook her head, but I continued. "How..." I cleared my throat, steeling myself to ask a question that I should have asked weeks ago. "How serious are you and Emmett?"

She broke our eye contact, her eyes darting to our entwined hands.

"He asked me to move in with him," she whispered.

The air left my lungs like I'd been punched in the gut. "When did he ask you?"

She bit her lip, her eyes meeting mine again. "During our weekend away. I haven't given him an answer yet, Jay. I...I don't know if I can."

"Why?" I whispered.

Bella sighed, a small, sad smile gracing those beautiful lips. "Jay...it will change everything we've ever known. And, I don't know that I can do that to you, to us...I...I love you too much to hurt you."

I bit my lip, squeezing her hands as fresh, hot tears streamed down my cheeks. I shook my head.

"Bell...you know I love you with everything that I am. I don't know what I would do without you, but you can't..." I paused, struggling for the strength to say the words that I both needed and dreaded to say. "You can't put your life on hold for fear of our lives changing. I cannot do that to you." I paused, turning to search her eyes for a long moment before continuing. "What is the alternative, Bella? Living with your gay roommate until we're old and gray and you're completely unhappy? That's not fair to you."

She choked on a sob, tears falling freely as I wrapped my arms around her.

"You will always have me, Bella. Always. I can't let you go; in fact, I refuse to let you go. I need you," I paused, running my fingers through her hair. "But, listen to me, honey. You need to follow your heart. If you want to move in with Emmett, which I'm suspecting you do, then you need to do it, Bella. I promise I will never resent you for it. I just want you to be happy."

She sniffled against my shoulder, her fingers tightening against my back.

"I'll miss you like crazy, Jay."

I huffed a half-sob as my arms tightened around her. "I'll miss you more than that. But come on," I said, pulling back slightly so I could see her face, blotchy and tear-stained. "It's not like we won't ever see each other, right? We'll still get together, have our movie nights...Bella, you will always be my best friend in the world. Always."

Bella nodded with a small smile. "And you'll always be mine."

I hugged her again, and we stayed encompassed in one another for a long time. I breathed in her scent, basking in the comfort and home that was Bella. She meant everything to me.

"When do you think you'll move?" I finally asked, breaking the long silence.

She mumbled against my shoulder.

"I don't know. A few weeks maybe? I hadn't even really considered saying yes. I didn't want it to mess things up with us."

"It won't," I said firmly, squeezing her frame within my arms.

She nodded against me and sighed. "Probably in June after Emmett's done with this school year."

I nodded in return. "Okay."

Something within me broke apart with the finality of that conversation. The change that had been implemented so many weeks ago was yet again turning my world upside down. I hurt within every pore, and loneliness settled in like a long winter set for destruction. It was a fundamental change, a massive understanding between the two of us, and there was no undoing it.

We were silent on the drive home, and though I knew it was unfair to her, when we reached the apartment, I silently headed to my room, locking myself within its quiet haven. I turned my phone off, tossing it on my desk before throwing myself into bed. I had no idea how to deal with my irrational jealousies, and I hated myself for the resentment I felt toward Emmett. I knew very well that I had no right to feel that way. Yet as I glanced at the framed photo beside my bed, a photo Bella and I had taken on a trip to Tahoe the summer before, I heaved a disparaging sigh. I slowly picked up the photo, studying us, our smiles, our comfort..._us._

Bella and I had always been together. She was my rock, my reason, and in so many ways the other half of who I was. I shook my head, replacing the photo and relaxing against the pillow as I closed my eyes. I had one night to pull my shit together, one night to bury the feelings or ignore them or somehow talk myself into believing they weren't even real. Because tomorrow I would be the support she needed; I would be the best friend I'd always been. I'd smile and reassure her and even help her pack her boxes. But tonight, I just wanted to wallow in the selfishness that made me think of everything that would change in my life, what I would lose...how much I would miss her and how barren the future looked without her here with me.

And so I did. What time I finally went to sleep, I wasn't sure, but it was amidst the confusion and pain and unsettled feelings swirling and storming within me and the thoughts that I could no longer hold at bay.

***j~W~j***

**A/N: Thanks to my fabulous betas NCChris and mababerella. Also a huge thanks to clurrabella and addictedtotwilight79 for their insight and suggestions! Love you, girls!**

**Thanks so much to all of you reading and review this little fic. I do try to respond to all of my reviews, and I truly appreciate you taking the time to write them!**


	6. FGB

Please, please forgive me for this non-update update. I hate those. However, I feel as if this is for a very good cause, so I'm going to go ahead and do it, and beg your forgiveness for the non-update alert!

I have two auctions posted for the Fandom Gives Back fundraiser for Alex's Lemonade Stand (www(dot)thefandomgivesback(dot)com) . As most of you already know, this is a charity that raises money for children's cancer research. It's an amazing cause, and the ladies at FGB have worked hard to organize yet another incredible fundraiser by which the fandom can contribute.

That being said, I'm posting my auction links below. The first is for a Rescue Me Outtake — anything you'd like. (As always, replace the (dots) with actual periods. :-) )

**RM outtake: ****http:/www(dot)thefandomgivesback(dot)?id=785**

The second is for a slash one-shot, any slash pairing, any plot line you want, any POV you want.

**Slash OS: ****http:/www(dot)/item(dot)php?id=786**

Come check out the auctions for all of the amazing fandom writers, and, if you're able, make a donation for this awesome cause and win an auction or two in the process ;-)

Thanks for reading! :-)

~Sparagus


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